Cast of characters:
Pat Sturm, the soon to be bride; young, hip gorgeous
Pat Daley, the soon to be groom; young hip, gorgeous in his own way
Act One
Scene: their bathroom. Pat is naked in the shower as Pat enters, also naked.
Pat: DO YOU MIND IF I PEE WHILE YOU'RE SHOWERING?
Pat: WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME IN THE SHOWER AND PEE IN HERE?
Pat: EWW, THAT'S KIND OF GROSS!
Pat: WHAT IF WE WERE MARRIED?
Pat: (silence)
Pat: DID YOU HEAR ME?
Pat: ARE YOU ASKING ME TO MARRY YOU?
Pat: IF THAT'S WHAT IT'LL TAKE FOR YOU TO PEE ON ME.
Pat: OKAY, LET'S DO IT!
Pat: WHAT? PEE IN THE SHOWER OR GET MARRIED?
Act Two
Scene: Their bathroom. Pat is wearing a beautiful wedding gown, while Pat is muy mas macho in a tux.
Pat: SO, READY TO HIT THE SHOWER?
Pat: YOU STILL WANT ME TO PEE ON YOU?
Pat: DON'T YOU WANT TO PEE ON ME?
Pat: NO.
Pat: WELL, THEN, WHY DID YOU MARRY ME?
Pat: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!
Pat: GREAT. I HOPE YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO PEE ON ME?
Pat: OF COURSE I DO. BUT HOW OFTEN WILL HAVE TO?
Pat: HEY, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, JUST SAY SO. THIS MARRIAGE ISN'T CONSUMMATED UNTIL YOU'VE PEED ON ME SO...
Pat: (interrupting) YOU'D ANNUL OUR MARRIAGE IF I DIDN'T PEE ON YOU?
Pat: NO, I'D ANNUL IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOVE ME.
Pat: OKAY, GET INTO THE SHOWER, NOW!
Act Three
Scene: A different, space age looking bathroom. They are wearing matching explosive vests. And they both look to be around 80 or 90 years old.
Pat: YOU READY?
Pat: I WAS BORN READY!
Pat: I'VE NEVER LOVED YOU MORE THAN THIS MOMENT.
Pat: NOT EVEN WHEN WE PEED ON EACH OTHER?
Pat: OH, YEAH, THAT WAS GREAT. BUT BLOWING UP THE HOME OWNERS ASSOCIATION BOARD MEETING WITH YOU. WHAT AN EXIT! WHAT A LEGACY!
Pat: WANNA PEE ON ME ONE LAST TIME?
Pat: YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT WE PEE ON THE HOME OWNER ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT AS WE DETONATE?
Pat: NO WAY! HE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. NO, DARLING, REMEMBER, WHEN THEY ASK FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS, THEY TOLL FOR PEE.
They exit the bathroom, stage right.
FINI
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5 comments:
This is the first play I've ever read that is one extended pee joke (to be fair, I've never taught elementary school). It highlights society's decline, and I for one will be in the front row on opening night applauding wildly.
R. Kelly is looking for a ghost writer for his new project. You're absolutely perfect!
P-on-me@pmail.com
PS- my word verification is 'UPFCC', which seems like a divine sign to me. If that doesn't convince you, I'll burn Bush.
Bertsky,
What are you having in your morning coffee these days????
xoxo
Grammiekins
Pistolero, I view humanity as being on a roller coaster that never goes up.
Kat'Dion, the problem is, R. Kelly really means it. I'm just wasting time and indulging my inner pee pee.
Grammiekins, the truth shall set you free.
I was once at a Bachelor party and the stripper/very naughty girl was charging guys 10 bucks for golden showers and they were lined-up! The joke was on the last guy in line though, because she didn't pour beer on him. Yuk. (Good thing I was first in line...)
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