I've been pestered for a photo of me. Well, that's me. And I'm not wearing pants, because it was that kind of a getaway. The entire time we were in our hotel room, we were naked, or naked under our clothing. I kid you not!
The excuse for all this sordid carrying on was to go to a wedding in San Diego. After the HOTel sex, the best part of it was this bonsai tree display we found at a street fair in Old Town San Diego! Check this out:
Luckily I have macro-zoom on my camera: those trees are only an inch high! If I had told you they were real trees and a real lawn, you might have bought it, until you looked really closely.
About the wedding... Yes, I'm old fashioned, so I had a problem. This was a way proper wedding, at the Officer's Club at the naval base in San Diego. We had to go through a security check to get on the base. My underwire jockey shorts set off the metal detector, so that almost made us late. Then there was some explaining to do about the turban at the end of my male appendage, but my wife was able to convince them it had no religious significance, and that, in fact, I am an ordained and consecrated Laztheist. The base Charlie Chaplin wanted to discuss some of the finer theological points of Laztheism as they contrast with concept of the Trinity, but time constraints, and my wife's malicious irreverence made it impossible.
So who got married? The neighbor's girl. My wife and the neighbor lady are way tight. I took a very nice photo of them together, and almost posted it, but then decided that I was risking future HOTel sex, since women NEVER think they look as gorgeous as they truly are in a photo. If you're a woman, you understand. If you're not, shut the fuck up, no one cares.
I had a question I kept repeating to my wife, as well as myself, but mostly to myself as my wife gave up listening to me, in like about 1991... Why did they get married? The 'they' being the bride and groom:
This is not that dumb a question... See, they had a civil ceremony as soon as she got pregnant. Here they are with their 11 month old boy, right after the priest said, "you may kiss the bride, I now present Mr. & Mrs. W. Beyond Foreplay":
So after 20 months of marriage, they spend a small fortune to carry out this festive event and I ask myself, "Why?" (I'm on first name terms with myself, so I'll butt in just any old time with questions like this.) My wife says the answer is, "For the memories." Of which they will have a ton, since there were two still photographers and two videographers. I kid you not. Plus cell phone cameras and digital cameras were both ubiquitous AND catholic!
So this whole thing was so they would be able to show the photos and the DVD to people whom they can trap into watching it? Or so they could, 10, 20, 50 years from now sit and watch the DVD together? Or if they sustain head injuries and are amnesiac, they'll be able to remember all this? Which begs the question: are memories worth anything, and if so, do you have to be a Capitalist to get the most out of them?
No matter what the answers are, please keep a kind thought for Bert Bananas that the neighbors don't know about this blog.
11 comments:
If not for the memories, then at LEAST for the presents they'd get at a real wedding. All you get a a civil ceremony is a piece of paper. Can't regift THAT!!
Nice pic of you, appreciate all that effort you went through to share with us!
So they spent what, 10, 20 grand to get five thou' in presents?
It's all strictly to make the bride happy (trust me, the groom didn't give a shit nor want any part of it). They (probably) did the right thing 20 months ago, but now they have to 'explain' (which means lie) to their love child that premarital sex is bad, and somehow never let him see all the videos, pics and saved invites.
My sister has a free-running offer to my niece (which I believe is an excellent thought), who is about to get engaged: $20,000 cash for a down payment on a home, condo, life, etc., OR $10,000 towards a wedding. Guess what that dummy (sorry Brooke) is choosing?!?!?
Anyway, I hope they're happy... -And by the way, that's the best I've ever seen you look!
Obviously they had a wedding so you could post about it on your blog.
Love, or rather, the intense need to parade the Magical Facade of Love in front of everyone, makes people do some irrational things.
I do not intend to ever marry or have children, so I'm a little bitter about this double standard in society. In fact, us hardworkin' single gals need your thoughtfully expensive gifts far more than any couple with two incomes ever will. We're not just struggling alone to make ends meet, but we're also pathetic and lonely, and we deserve your sympathy in the form of 400 thread-count Egyptian cotton bedsheets.
Hey, I need designer kitchen gadgets and home electronics just as much as the next grabby couple, so I am considering throwing myself a "Spinster Shower" that will encourage my friends and family to spend lavish amounts of money on me in the celebration of my lifestyle choice, which I reserve the right to change my mind about at a later date.
I presume the parents want an actual wedding, to show off their daughter and for other strange cultural reasons (like "otherwise the only time the family gets together is at funerals").
It reminds me of the palace in Warsaw, which was completely destroyed during the bombing of WWII (it destroyed roughly 75% of Warsaw, if I remember correctly). They rebuilt it, finishing in the early 1980s, which made me think: Why bother? The point of visiting those things is that they're old.
I suppose it's also like "American Idol:" I don't get it, but apparently it's important to other people.
And now that we know you're President Kennedy, staring out a window all Presidentially, we believe that your blog, like "Profiles in Courage," is likely ghostwritten by someone smarter than you.
Kat, I feel like this is the perfect moment to propose us not getting married.
(I told myself I wouldn't cry.)
T was telling me the other day that he thinks the two of you have not been married already.
I do have to admit, we're perfect not together.
Vows shmowz. You two will live happily never-after.
I'm hoping that someone recognizes the pictures and calls your neighbors, you bad boy.
: )
I feel like the best I can offer a woman is a mutual non-aggression pact - a sort of laissez-faire lazy affair.
Plus, this way we'll still be on speaking terms, unlike with my actual exes, who only speak to me through the intermediary of county sherriffs serving me with papers informing me of their general displeasure at my behavior.
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