(You have no idea the chill of fear, the knot of anxiety, the drumbeat of morbidity, the staggering of esteem, the frolic of fierceity... ect.)
Andrew wrote these himself:
Uncle Joe & Aunt Emma,
From all the neglect I've received from you, my so called 'aunt and uncle,' you can imagine the surprise I had when I opened your card! I didn't know who you were until I asked my mom.
Dear Uncle Steve & Aunt Leez,
100 buck? C'mon, cheapskate, I know you've got deep pockets. "We're moving to France, but, here's some pocket change, you little bastard." Screw you.
Dear Mrs. Wasielieski,
Hey! It really meant a lot to me to receive a car from you upon the occasion of my graduation! It's tough being the young one and a lot of times I feel like my accomplishments go by without notice, because I dwell in the shadow or my older, more attractive brother who has scaled the Everest of Life, it seems. So it was very pleasing to get the card from you. However, in actuality, it's my brother who is deserving of your pleasantries. I've since forwarded your card to his person and I hear that he has spent the small sum enclosed on underwear, without even wondering where or how the money was earned. It warms my heart to know that he has found pleasure, somehow, in my graduation.
HE CAN'T DECIDE ON WHICH OF THESE FOUR...
Dear Ashley,
Let me say this: Writing thank you notes is hell for me. You gave me 100 dollars for my graduation and you've probably thinking to yourself, "Boy, am I a great relative for dropping a bill on my cousin. I must have made his freaking day." You're wrong, dead wrong. I'll see you in hell
Dear Ashley,
First of all: HOLY SHIT! One hundred big ones!? Where the hell are you getting all this cool cash? My mom says I can't spend it until I write you this letter, but as I'm writing this I'm not thinking about your, your generosity, our great times spent over these 18 years of my life or anything else that Family Circus baloney. No, I'm focusing on how I'm going to blow your hard earned cash.
Dear Ashley,
You think money is going to make it all right that you didn't come to my graduation? I worked, I toiled, I emptied my being into the halls of that school for four horrible years and you can't even break away from your babysitting job to come down to see me? I burned that Benjamin you gave me and you can consider us on hiatus as cousins until I get a personal apology and 200 dollars.
Dear Ashley,
Geez, Ms Richie Rich, you really came through on this one! 100 bucks!! You even beat Uncle Steve! But seriously, I don't want to sound shallow or materialistic, but it really meant a lot to see that amount of money thrown my way. Let's face it, money is awesome, you're awesome by association. The card was cool, too; it actually made me jump a little! Maybe sometime before I go to college I can come down and visit you guys for awhile. It feels like it's been too long. I hear you got a schweet job taking care of some rich people's kids. Way to go! Be sure to weasel yourself into the old man's will. You can take care of the whole family! Anyway, thanks again! You made my day. See you soon, Ash!
- Andrew
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5 comments:
oh this is funny. As a parent, I was reminded of the first thankyou cards my darling daughter wrote, well.. I wrote and then she colored something inside. After that she wrote "thanks for the ..." later we got to the "thanks for the money, I bought a .... with it" cards. Now she's at that age where she doesn't even consider it necessary to send a thank-you, and I can't withhold the spendage until she write it anymore, either... sigh.
You have trained him well.
Nicely done. As someone who never receives gifts from others (unless of course indifference is a gift), I rarely write thank you notes and instead have to write a blog full of all the pithy things I'd write in said cards.
Subtle, way too subtle...
..the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...
: )
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