We have people here at the house from Rancho Santa Margarita, Adelanto, San Francisco, Long Beach, and Corona del Mar. La de dah... I wasn't invited, but I have access to weaponry, so they're afraid to ask me to leave.
But it's really not an issue because I'm holed-up here in my office. I have my computer, a TV, a bathroom and a table on which to keep a stock of comestibles. I don't have one of those little office refrigerators; that would enable me to totally isolate myself... One of the professionals in my life, the dog-groomer, says I should not cut all my ties with the people I live with, and I tend to agree, what with me being mildly addicted to sexual congress of the married variety.
This 'alone' time did give me a chance to watch The Simpson's Movie. My wife netflixed it for me. I liked it! I'm thinking of asking her to get me the first three Dirty Harry movies. Gosh, I remember how good watching them made me feel!
Tonight we're going to a concert. I guess it's a rock concert... It's at a bar/lounge/truck-stop/strip-bar here in Apple Valley. We're going because one of our sons is in the band. The band has existed for at least five years. He just got asked to join because they never could find a bass player who was a good fit..
(HOLY SHIT! I just watched the opening to Hope Floats! Totally by accident! That was some nasty crap to be flinging at people who just paid good money!)
I'll let you know how the band played. They have an ode to Pistols set, so that says a lot about how high their standards are...
Sunday, August 31, 2008
The Quick Brown Blogger ...
Now is the time for all good bloggers to come to the aid of their country...
As a pioneer in the Blogosphere (Hell, I was blogging on my old Osborne 1, back in 1981!), I don't know whether to applaud or lament that by 2013 there will be 3.9 billion bloggers! Think of it, just a hundred million shy of 4 billion! Imagine trying to get some work done if you even wanted to read half of them each day! You'd have to give up one of your breaks!
You know what most religions don't have a position on: Is blogging of the Lord or of the Devil? Just like they mostly stay away from the issue of the internet itself. Oh, sure, they all use the internet, but there's no mention of the role of the internet when Jesus arrives to rule for a 1,000 years. Or if the Rapture is in anyway connected to your online history. I erase mine daily. I do not want to be convicted by my cookies!
You know how Ghawd is aware of the fall of every sparrow? And has the very hairs of your head numbered? Well, Ghawd also logs all your chat, He records every post you make, every comment you type... He even logs your typos, because they also say something about you! In fact, Ghawd is filming the ultimate reality show. There are IMAX cameras aimed at you right now!
But if we each have our own reality show, who sets the viewing schedule? Believe me, I'm the first to admit that my life, as a vehicle for attracting viewers, fails miserably. Ebert & Roeper might not be too negative about my reality show, but they'd definitely give it a thumbs down, in comparison to all the other shows they think you might like to watch.
Whose entire life would you pay to see?
(Swear to Bal, when I started, I did not foresee how this post was going to end up!! Which of course is EXACTLY how I've lived my life...)
As a pioneer in the Blogosphere (Hell, I was blogging on my old Osborne 1, back in 1981!), I don't know whether to applaud or lament that by 2013 there will be 3.9 billion bloggers! Think of it, just a hundred million shy of 4 billion! Imagine trying to get some work done if you even wanted to read half of them each day! You'd have to give up one of your breaks!
You know what most religions don't have a position on: Is blogging of the Lord or of the Devil? Just like they mostly stay away from the issue of the internet itself. Oh, sure, they all use the internet, but there's no mention of the role of the internet when Jesus arrives to rule for a 1,000 years. Or if the Rapture is in anyway connected to your online history. I erase mine daily. I do not want to be convicted by my cookies!
You know how Ghawd is aware of the fall of every sparrow? And has the very hairs of your head numbered? Well, Ghawd also logs all your chat, He records every post you make, every comment you type... He even logs your typos, because they also say something about you! In fact, Ghawd is filming the ultimate reality show. There are IMAX cameras aimed at you right now!
But if we each have our own reality show, who sets the viewing schedule? Believe me, I'm the first to admit that my life, as a vehicle for attracting viewers, fails miserably. Ebert & Roeper might not be too negative about my reality show, but they'd definitely give it a thumbs down, in comparison to all the other shows they think you might like to watch.
Whose entire life would you pay to see?
(Swear to Bal, when I started, I did not foresee how this post was going to end up!! Which of course is EXACTLY how I've lived my life...)
Friday, August 29, 2008
Rush Limbaugh predicts ...
During the second hour of today's program (8-29-08) Rush Limbaugh predicted that critics of Sarah Palin would say that her decision to have the 'surprise' baby born in April of this year with Down Syndrome was expressive of her lack of qualification to be considered for VP of this nation. Of course this centers around our country's A/D: Abortion Divide. Her critics will say one thing about her not aborting the baby and her supporters will say it indicates just the opposite.
I have no information that bears on that explosive, contentious, divisive issue. Good luck America.
But I do have experience with "surprise" pregnancies. Liz and I went to a convention and I got tipsy on room-service champagne (She got WASTED!! Is there anything randier than hotel sex?) Well, we, too, had that baby and now he's a sophomore at SFSU, FU-OK?
So I'm betting she got pregnant right after she and her husband were flown to New York, put up in a fine hotel, and then they went to her Vogue photo shoot.
So although I am totally pro-abortion, and would without hesitation abort any baby I was carrying, she has my vote. Because no matter how pro-choice she is, she doesn't have the power to handcuff me and look me in a room for eight months. This is like the anti-Catholics who thought it all through and then went ahead and voted for JFK. It sounds explosive, but I truly believe, like gay marriage, it's really a non-issue. Both are here to stay, along with high school day care...
Hey, even if she does get elected, serves two terms, then is herself elected President, packs the 7th and 8th conservative Supreme Court Justices on the bench, gets Roe v. Wade overturned, and gets a constitutional amendment outlawing abortion, don't sweat it, I'll personally drive you to Tijuana, no charge.
I have no information that bears on that explosive, contentious, divisive issue. Good luck America.
But I do have experience with "surprise" pregnancies. Liz and I went to a convention and I got tipsy on room-service champagne (She got WASTED!! Is there anything randier than hotel sex?) Well, we, too, had that baby and now he's a sophomore at SFSU, FU-OK?
So I'm betting she got pregnant right after she and her husband were flown to New York, put up in a fine hotel, and then they went to her Vogue photo shoot.
So although I am totally pro-abortion, and would without hesitation abort any baby I was carrying, she has my vote. Because no matter how pro-choice she is, she doesn't have the power to handcuff me and look me in a room for eight months. This is like the anti-Catholics who thought it all through and then went ahead and voted for JFK. It sounds explosive, but I truly believe, like gay marriage, it's really a non-issue. Both are here to stay, along with high school day care...
Hey, even if she does get elected, serves two terms, then is herself elected President, packs the 7th and 8th conservative Supreme Court Justices on the bench, gets Roe v. Wade overturned, and gets a constitutional amendment outlawing abortion, don't sweat it, I'll personally drive you to Tijuana, no charge.
We'll start with an Easy One ...
Which one of the folk below could always get a laugh with that patented wise crack: "Oh, I would just LOVE to touch your peepee!"?
Hmmm.... maybe it isn't that easy...
Hmmm.... maybe it isn't that easy...
Cheap
There are definitely times when cheap is good. Like playing 'twilight golf.' There you are, the afternoon free, so you go the course and since it's after the start of 'twilight time' you get to play 18 holes for $12, walking. 75 cents a hole, people!! These bargains still exist! Talk about cheap!!
And then there's the other cheap. Like the dozen pens I got a Staples for just showing up with a coupon. 12 pens for free, and I was there going anyway! But how much is the aggravation worth in trying to get them to write?
And then the half-off printer toner that crapped out in less than a month, and the complimentary condom that broke and now I'm a dad again...
But then there's the 99¢ Store! They have Sangria Senorial, the two liter bottle, for 99¢! You can't get it for less than $1.79 at the regular Mexican stores! But then they balance it out with the 99¢ window washer fluid that looks just like Windex, but turns out to be just blue colored water.
The candidate who promises to create a Department of Honest Cheap Deals will get my vote.
(One thing worse than a cheap deal that turned out to be no good: an expensive deal that turned out to be no good.)
And then there's the other cheap. Like the dozen pens I got a Staples for just showing up with a coupon. 12 pens for free, and I was there going anyway! But how much is the aggravation worth in trying to get them to write?
And then the half-off printer toner that crapped out in less than a month, and the complimentary condom that broke and now I'm a dad again...
But then there's the 99¢ Store! They have Sangria Senorial, the two liter bottle, for 99¢! You can't get it for less than $1.79 at the regular Mexican stores! But then they balance it out with the 99¢ window washer fluid that looks just like Windex, but turns out to be just blue colored water.
The candidate who promises to create a Department of Honest Cheap Deals will get my vote.
(One thing worse than a cheap deal that turned out to be no good: an expensive deal that turned out to be no good.)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I sane, We sane, Usain Bolt
I submit to you that Usain Bolt is a better fast runner than Michael Phelps is a fast swimmer.
If the Olympics had eight races Bolt could have run in, he would also have eight gold medals. And none of the races would have been close. There would be gaps between Bolt and second place long enough for Pistols to make love ... twice.
How come running doesn't have...?
100 meter backwards race
200 meter backwards race
100 meter sideways race
200 meter sideways race
400 meter medley backwards/sideways race
Add these to the Olympic racing menu and Bolt would absolutely look far and away the better performer.
You think a lifeguard does a medley of strokes when he or she is trying to save a swimmer? Anything but the free-style is a freak of let's-have-races-with-sillyass-strokes-so-coaches-and-human-aquariums-can-make-more-money nature. Although there will always be a place in my heart for the breast stroke...
This post is not intended to take anything away from Phelps, except the White, Euro-centric aura of invinceabilidility. (c'mon, invincebilidility is an awesome word!)
I don't have this problem, but I want to be tested...
There's a male sexual stiff upper lip advertisement that has this line (Why are there so many of these during golf? As a golfer, am I supposed to be impotent and in need of financial advice?):
"Ask your physician if you're healthy enough for sexual activity..."
As Ghawd is my witness I cannot believe that any man ever asks himself this question. Sure, I can see a guy holding the top of his underwear open, looking down and asking his dick, "are you up for this?" But no guy stands in front of a mirror, looks himself in the eye and asks, "Am I healthy enough for sexual activity?" After all, he's breathing, right?
Even the fact that most of us know what happened to Nelson Rockefeller doesn't deter us.
But then the question arises, if I suspect that I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity, what kind of tests are involved and will my health insurance pay for a licensed prostitute to administer them?
And if there are neither insurance policies nor prostitutes available in my area, how much for a franchise?
"Ask your physician if you're healthy enough for sexual activity..."
As Ghawd is my witness I cannot believe that any man ever asks himself this question. Sure, I can see a guy holding the top of his underwear open, looking down and asking his dick, "are you up for this?" But no guy stands in front of a mirror, looks himself in the eye and asks, "Am I healthy enough for sexual activity?" After all, he's breathing, right?
Even the fact that most of us know what happened to Nelson Rockefeller doesn't deter us.
But then the question arises, if I suspect that I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity, what kind of tests are involved and will my health insurance pay for a licensed prostitute to administer them?
And if there are neither insurance policies nor prostitutes available in my area, how much for a franchise?
Advertising molds America
Advertising works. That's all you need to know.
If America's best advertising people would take the requisite cuts in pay and good times to serve in state and national elected offices, we'd have huge tax cuts, a VAT tax replacing income taxes, popular wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Iran, Darfur, Mexico and Canada would be invading us in hopes that we'd conquer and take them over, and a zero-balance national debt.
Where's my proof? Look in your cupboard, refrigerator, closet, garage and heart...
Wouldn't we be better off with these people working for us instead of against us?
If America's best advertising people would take the requisite cuts in pay and good times to serve in state and national elected offices, we'd have huge tax cuts, a VAT tax replacing income taxes, popular wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Iran, Darfur, Mexico and Canada would be invading us in hopes that we'd conquer and take them over, and a zero-balance national debt.
Where's my proof? Look in your cupboard, refrigerator, closet, garage and heart...
Wouldn't we be better off with these people working for us instead of against us?
Yesterday was all about Golf
Except for the time spent at the CHP and the DMV.
The CHP is the California Highway Patrol. While I was there on very mundane business of my own, a guy came in to talk to a CHP officer. A staff person told him that person was off that day, would be back today and Friday, and would then be on vacation for the entire month of September. I was kind of stunned. What with all the state holidays they get, CHP officers get about as much vacation as a President of the United States. PLUS they get overtime! And they get to shoot people!!
At the DMV I watched unhealthy looking American women being totally in charge of what you do and where you stand for the next half-hour of your life. But having that kind of power didn't seem to make them any happier than the average prison guard or jailer.
Today it's office work and playing on the internet. One is more profitable, one is more fun. Why can't I bill you by the blog?
The CHP is the California Highway Patrol. While I was there on very mundane business of my own, a guy came in to talk to a CHP officer. A staff person told him that person was off that day, would be back today and Friday, and would then be on vacation for the entire month of September. I was kind of stunned. What with all the state holidays they get, CHP officers get about as much vacation as a President of the United States. PLUS they get overtime! And they get to shoot people!!
At the DMV I watched unhealthy looking American women being totally in charge of what you do and where you stand for the next half-hour of your life. But having that kind of power didn't seem to make them any happier than the average prison guard or jailer.
Today it's office work and playing on the internet. One is more profitable, one is more fun. Why can't I bill you by the blog?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Naked Picture
At some point in time a tiny portion of the world's population will finally be able to sit in front of its HDTV and watch the Showtime or HBO presentation of THE BILL & HILL STORY.
I just hope that when the time comes it's with full frontal nudity. Especially their college years... Oh, yeah, and Bill's years between age 14 and, oh... about 70. Talk about a legacy!
How many years into the marriage do you think Bill finally learned to tune her out? I'm guessing he hasn't really heard a word she's said since three days into the honeymoon. Well, that's how I'd write his character... See, I'm all for gritty realism.
I just hope that when the time comes it's with full frontal nudity. Especially their college years... Oh, yeah, and Bill's years between age 14 and, oh... about 70. Talk about a legacy!
How many years into the marriage do you think Bill finally learned to tune her out? I'm guessing he hasn't really heard a word she's said since three days into the honeymoon. Well, that's how I'd write his character... See, I'm all for gritty realism.
Equal Time Doctrine ...
Yes, yes, yes, the Showtime/HBO presentation of "DUBYA W-III" will star Cheech & Chong as President Bush and Vice President Cheney.
Amateurs Rule!
A guy who writes a column and is paid for it said something today that tickled my fancy ... ass. I'm going to paraphrase him so as to make it more palatable to the urban tongue. That's you guys, hip urban tongues.
If an ordinary citizen could order a book from Amazon, read it and then successfully take out a loved one's appendix, we probably wouldn't have much respect for surgeons.
But if an ordinary citizen gets a book from Amazon, reads it and then home-schools her kids and they win spelling bees and get into good colleges, we hire more school teachers and school administrators, increase their pay, raise even more money for schools via bonds and taxes and just generally wring our hands in despair that we can't get a certain segment of school age kids to be interested in school.
So what do amateur school teachers know or do that professional school teachers don't know or don't do?
If an ordinary citizen could order a book from Amazon, read it and then successfully take out a loved one's appendix, we probably wouldn't have much respect for surgeons.
But if an ordinary citizen gets a book from Amazon, reads it and then home-schools her kids and they win spelling bees and get into good colleges, we hire more school teachers and school administrators, increase their pay, raise even more money for schools via bonds and taxes and just generally wring our hands in despair that we can't get a certain segment of school age kids to be interested in school.
So what do amateur school teachers know or do that professional school teachers don't know or don't do?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
No Charge
Information/Knowledge is good stuff. It are good stuff, too, when there's more than one of it.
There has probably never been a time when Information/Knowledge (I/K) couldn't be exchanged for whatever the local currency was. I/K is big business right now. HUGE business!! People to the right of you, people to the left of you, people above you, people below you, are all paying MONEY for I/K! Greenbacks, gelt, wampum, dinero, pacino... Even just sitting there sipping your double latte diet Coke, you can easily think of I/K that you could sell for enough to retire quietly to your very own island nation, where the UN won't let anyone under 18 live or visit.
But here's a bit of I/K I'm giving away for free. Most bloggers, because we are wordy bastids, always eager to get a word in edge-wise, will have no use for it; we've evolved beyond the need for this. But pass it along to someone else who might need it. And no fair charging!!
This I/K is for people who have trouble conversing. You've got the attentive look down, with the 'good eye contact' thing working for you. But when the other person stops talking and gets this expectant look in his or her eyes (or eye, because of that accident with an engorged male member) and you know you're supposed to say something, but there's nothing there, for any number of reasons, some of them your fault, some of them not, here's what you say and do:
"I've got two words for you..." And then pick two words that are somehow connected to the topic the other person was going on about. Like "Tropic Thunder" if the subject was movies, or "Elvis Presley" if the subject was music, or "repeatable experiment" if the subject was nuclear fusion or the female orgasm.
Now if you weren't paying close enough attention to know what that subject was, then just say, "Barack Obama." And raise one eyebrow and smile.
If the other person enthusiastically starts talking again, you're home free. If the other person looks at you quizzically, sneer and turn and walk away; you're no worse off than you were before you said it.
Caveat: This can work with a spouse, significant other or sexual target, and is worth the risks involved, but never try this with your employer!
There has probably never been a time when Information/Knowledge (I/K) couldn't be exchanged for whatever the local currency was. I/K is big business right now. HUGE business!! People to the right of you, people to the left of you, people above you, people below you, are all paying MONEY for I/K! Greenbacks, gelt, wampum, dinero, pacino... Even just sitting there sipping your double latte diet Coke, you can easily think of I/K that you could sell for enough to retire quietly to your very own island nation, where the UN won't let anyone under 18 live or visit.
But here's a bit of I/K I'm giving away for free. Most bloggers, because we are wordy bastids, always eager to get a word in edge-wise, will have no use for it; we've evolved beyond the need for this. But pass it along to someone else who might need it. And no fair charging!!
This I/K is for people who have trouble conversing. You've got the attentive look down, with the 'good eye contact' thing working for you. But when the other person stops talking and gets this expectant look in his or her eyes (or eye, because of that accident with an engorged male member) and you know you're supposed to say something, but there's nothing there, for any number of reasons, some of them your fault, some of them not, here's what you say and do:
"I've got two words for you..." And then pick two words that are somehow connected to the topic the other person was going on about. Like "Tropic Thunder" if the subject was movies, or "Elvis Presley" if the subject was music, or "repeatable experiment" if the subject was nuclear fusion or the female orgasm.
Now if you weren't paying close enough attention to know what that subject was, then just say, "Barack Obama." And raise one eyebrow and smile.
If the other person enthusiastically starts talking again, you're home free. If the other person looks at you quizzically, sneer and turn and walk away; you're no worse off than you were before you said it.
Caveat: This can work with a spouse, significant other or sexual target, and is worth the risks involved, but never try this with your employer!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
JoBama® !!
One of my favorite people in the world used this this morning in a blog. Brilliant, isn't it? I was SOOO green with envy!
McRomney doesn't have the same pizazz.
Despite the brilliance of JoBama®, I shan't be voting for that ticket, what with the felonies piled up higher than the delinquent tax notices and the child support demands from the DA's office. I'm sure to be otherwise engaged on 11-04-08, judging by recent activity on the Megan's Law website.
And anyway, I'm a Republican. Have been ever since I discovered how uptight Republican women are, and what a sense of accomplishment there is when you get their clothes off.
Which brings me to the real point of this post: Are there disagreements in Heaven, or is it totally Kumbaya for all time and eternity?
You know how fun it is to talk someone into doing something your way? Especially if the other person is an object of your sexual desire? You know that rich, rewarding feeling you get when someone who is being a turd steps in one? Are there religions out there saying that some of life's biggest thrills will never come to pass again?
Well, I have only one thing to say to people who think like that: JoBama®!
McRomney doesn't have the same pizazz.
Despite the brilliance of JoBama®, I shan't be voting for that ticket, what with the felonies piled up higher than the delinquent tax notices and the child support demands from the DA's office. I'm sure to be otherwise engaged on 11-04-08, judging by recent activity on the Megan's Law website.
And anyway, I'm a Republican. Have been ever since I discovered how uptight Republican women are, and what a sense of accomplishment there is when you get their clothes off.
Which brings me to the real point of this post: Are there disagreements in Heaven, or is it totally Kumbaya for all time and eternity?
You know how fun it is to talk someone into doing something your way? Especially if the other person is an object of your sexual desire? You know that rich, rewarding feeling you get when someone who is being a turd steps in one? Are there religions out there saying that some of life's biggest thrills will never come to pass again?
Well, I have only one thing to say to people who think like that: JoBama®!
Friday, August 22, 2008
UN-FREAKIN'-BELIEVABLE !!!
Unbelievable doesn't even begin to state the case!
NAMBLA is changing their name to TWEMBLA, The Whole Earth Man Boy Love Association.
They've done this because they've purchased an island in SouthEast Asia and are forming their own nation, to be called Pedofilia. The new citizens of Pedofilia will be issued passports identifying themselves as Pedofilians, entitled to all the rights, powers and privileges guaranteed by the new Pedofilian Constitution. They are going to have contests to select a flag, name the capital, design stamps, name their currency and their NFL team.
Hey, hey, hey, don't get mad at me! I'm just reporting the news, hard though it is to believe.
Fortunately there is a movement afoot in the United Nation to declare that no one under the age of 18 can live in Pedofilia. Boy, are the Pedofilians pissed!
NAMBLA is changing their name to TWEMBLA, The Whole Earth Man Boy Love Association.
They've done this because they've purchased an island in SouthEast Asia and are forming their own nation, to be called Pedofilia. The new citizens of Pedofilia will be issued passports identifying themselves as Pedofilians, entitled to all the rights, powers and privileges guaranteed by the new Pedofilian Constitution. They are going to have contests to select a flag, name the capital, design stamps, name their currency and their NFL team.
Hey, hey, hey, don't get mad at me! I'm just reporting the news, hard though it is to believe.
Fortunately there is a movement afoot in the United Nation to declare that no one under the age of 18 can live in Pedofilia. Boy, are the Pedofilians pissed!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The Magic Bullet to my Heart
Yum, yum, yum!
I've been experimenting and I think I've hit on the perfect smoothie.
That's all. I just wanted you to know.
Hey, I gotcher Nuance righ' here ...
Nuance: ˈnü-ˌän(t)s, Function: noun
Etymology: French, from Middle French, shade of color, from nuer to make shades of color, from nue cloud, from Latin nubes; perhaps akin to Welsh nudd mist
Dates to 1781
1 : a subtle distinction or variation
2 : a subtle quality : nicety
3 : sensibility to, awareness of, or ability to express delicate shadings (as of meaning, feeling, or value)
4 : a software company, most noted for Dragon NaturalSpeaking
5 : a Norwegian perfume famous for it's sexy cod fragrance
6 : a theater on Santa Monica Blvd., in WLA, famous for spelling nuance without the 'nce' and substituting 'rt' instead, which is only the beginning of their pretentiousness
McCain is blunt and in your face; things are black or white. Obama has nuance, things have layers, there are considerations to be made, he smells like cod.
Okay, the last four words were totally uncalled for, a cheap shot. But this is how America practices its politics.
You know how cops have to go to the range to keep in practice and the SWAT cops have these complicated exercises? Yeah, me too.
We need the two candidates, and their staffs, to go on Wipeout! No, McCain and Obama don't have to run the gauntlets, but it'd be great to see what their staffs are made of, all those high priced concept guys and gals running around in their high priced clothes that just have to cost more than $100 for each suit! Are they nuts! And the candidates would be commentators, so we could see and hear how they react to highs and lows and guys getting punched in the 'nads...
You can tell a lot about a person by the people with whom they surround themselves.
(yeow! what does that say about us?!)
In any event, this coming election doesn't really matter if you don't know someone in either party who can get you a job if that side wins. Politics is patronage. My advice? Don't stop your daily plodding and apply nuance lightly behind the ears and in your decolletage, them's what have'em.
Etymology: French, from Middle French, shade of color, from nuer to make shades of color, from nue cloud, from Latin nubes; perhaps akin to Welsh nudd mist
Dates to 1781
1 : a subtle distinction or variation
2 : a subtle quality : nicety
3 : sensibility to, awareness of, or ability to express delicate shadings (as of meaning, feeling, or value)
4 : a software company, most noted for Dragon NaturalSpeaking
5 : a Norwegian perfume famous for it's sexy cod fragrance
6 : a theater on Santa Monica Blvd., in WLA, famous for spelling nuance without the 'nce' and substituting 'rt' instead, which is only the beginning of their pretentiousness
McCain is blunt and in your face; things are black or white. Obama has nuance, things have layers, there are considerations to be made, he smells like cod.
Okay, the last four words were totally uncalled for, a cheap shot. But this is how America practices its politics.
You know how cops have to go to the range to keep in practice and the SWAT cops have these complicated exercises? Yeah, me too.
We need the two candidates, and their staffs, to go on Wipeout! No, McCain and Obama don't have to run the gauntlets, but it'd be great to see what their staffs are made of, all those high priced concept guys and gals running around in their high priced clothes that just have to cost more than $100 for each suit! Are they nuts! And the candidates would be commentators, so we could see and hear how they react to highs and lows and guys getting punched in the 'nads...
You can tell a lot about a person by the people with whom they surround themselves.
(yeow! what does that say about us?!)
In any event, this coming election doesn't really matter if you don't know someone in either party who can get you a job if that side wins. Politics is patronage. My advice? Don't stop your daily plodding and apply nuance lightly behind the ears and in your decolletage, them's what have'em.
What's the One Thing in the World you don't want ANYONE to know!!
Seriously, you're probably harboring a memory of something you said or did (actually, 'said' would fit under 'did' but you good meter improves the reading experience) so horrific, so damning, that you'd pay a decent amount of blackmail to keep others from knowing about it.
Well, I'd like to know about it. Not because I want to blackmail you! I'm way to lazy and lack ambition; not bragging, just stating a fact.
So let it out!
Here, I'll lead off, because my batting average is .388 and I'm leading the league in stolen bases:
When I was 13 I stole a dry cleaning van and drove to the Las Vegas Strip, a distance of about four miles; I was living in Las Vegas at the time. I drove into valet parking at the old Thunderbird Hotel and left the van idling there and walked down to the Sahara where I caught the bus to 5th & Bonanza and walked six blocks home. (Years later 5th St. was renamed Las Vegas Blvd., but not for any reason related to this story.) There wasn't anything in the paper the next morning, but the following morning there were HUGE stories in both the Sun and the R-J about "Dry Cleaner's Van Left Idling in Valet Parking Area of Thunderbird Hotel!!" The story said the police had finger prints.
Because those fingerprints are still sitting there, with some cold case detective waiting to match them up one day, I have never allowed my fingerprints to be taken. It hasn't been easy being me...f
Okay, you're turn!
Well, I'd like to know about it. Not because I want to blackmail you! I'm way to lazy and lack ambition; not bragging, just stating a fact.
So let it out!
Here, I'll lead off, because my batting average is .388 and I'm leading the league in stolen bases:
When I was 13 I stole a dry cleaning van and drove to the Las Vegas Strip, a distance of about four miles; I was living in Las Vegas at the time. I drove into valet parking at the old Thunderbird Hotel and left the van idling there and walked down to the Sahara where I caught the bus to 5th & Bonanza and walked six blocks home. (Years later 5th St. was renamed Las Vegas Blvd., but not for any reason related to this story.) There wasn't anything in the paper the next morning, but the following morning there were HUGE stories in both the Sun and the R-J about "Dry Cleaner's Van Left Idling in Valet Parking Area of Thunderbird Hotel!!" The story said the police had finger prints.
Because those fingerprints are still sitting there, with some cold case detective waiting to match them up one day, I have never allowed my fingerprints to be taken. It hasn't been easy being me...f
Okay, you're turn!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Either it does or it doesn't . . .
If you were raised one way, this photo turns you off. If you were raised like I was, this photo is a total turn on. Right now I am dreaming of me and Liz in a secluded inlet on Lake Mohave for four days, Monday through Thursday, in mid-October. I'm a very, very simple soul.
And this isn't a value judgment; my way is NOT better than your way. It's just a lot less complicated.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Immortality!
Send me $14.99 and I will name a city after you. But hurry, because the really neat cities will go fast!!
I know it sounds crazy, but for just $14.99, in check or money order made out to Bert Bananas, LLC, I will white out the name of a city on a large map and then carefully ink in YOUR name! Or the name of a RELATIVE or LOVED ONE!!
And I will register every and every change of name on a big yellow legal pad and as each page fills up, I will send that page to the LIBRARY of CONGRESS, where it will be preserved FOREVER, or until the end of time!
BUT WAIT!! There's more!! I will email you a .jpg of YOUR NAME handwritten on my map, for you to print out at your own expense and then buy yourself a frame for that print and hang it in a place of honor in your home, so that everyone will see this piece of history and really appreciate just who you are!
If having a city named after you doesn't twist your kink, we'll find something that does! How about a sexual position named after you! Or a part of the anatomy!! This gift to you is made possible by the power of the INTERNET and my need to serve my fellow man.
HURRY! Operators are standing by!
I know it sounds crazy, but for just $14.99, in check or money order made out to Bert Bananas, LLC, I will white out the name of a city on a large map and then carefully ink in YOUR name! Or the name of a RELATIVE or LOVED ONE!!
And I will register every and every change of name on a big yellow legal pad and as each page fills up, I will send that page to the LIBRARY of CONGRESS, where it will be preserved FOREVER, or until the end of time!
BUT WAIT!! There's more!! I will email you a .jpg of YOUR NAME handwritten on my map, for you to print out at your own expense and then buy yourself a frame for that print and hang it in a place of honor in your home, so that everyone will see this piece of history and really appreciate just who you are!
If having a city named after you doesn't twist your kink, we'll find something that does! How about a sexual position named after you! Or a part of the anatomy!! This gift to you is made possible by the power of the INTERNET and my need to serve my fellow man.
HURRY! Operators are standing by!
Advanced Poemetry Distills the Olympics
Measured hics of a liquor’s stain touch my pulse,
But I’ve only been drinking since noon - of 1978;
The windows glaze at you with eyes of mercy.
Thirty years and you never checked the air
In the tires of my love and now the steel belt
Is showing through the rubber of my soul.
Paraguay and Uruguay still mean nothing.
The rent is due. Then you walk into the room
And I can’t breathe. Nature abhors a vacuum.
Full circle, four square, three on a match,
Two to get ready, won… No, I lost. You…
My ice screams shiver a fevered brow.
Then I awake, to find you warm and near,
Just like Emily, wherever I may find her…
But not the I - me, the he - me, Art Garfunkel.
Fishing with an internet, a site for soar ayes!
Gritty homonyms give no quarter. But as the ladies
Are all saying, whatever Phelps you through the night.
But I’ve only been drinking since noon - of 1978;
The windows glaze at you with eyes of mercy.
Thirty years and you never checked the air
In the tires of my love and now the steel belt
Is showing through the rubber of my soul.
Paraguay and Uruguay still mean nothing.
The rent is due. Then you walk into the room
And I can’t breathe. Nature abhors a vacuum.
Full circle, four square, three on a match,
Two to get ready, won… No, I lost. You…
My ice screams shiver a fevered brow.
Then I awake, to find you warm and near,
Just like Emily, wherever I may find her…
But not the I - me, the he - me, Art Garfunkel.
Fishing with an internet, a site for soar ayes!
Gritty homonyms give no quarter. But as the ladies
Are all saying, whatever Phelps you through the night.
If Bush Invades Russia . . .
Unlike so many other commentators, I have absolutely no basis for an opinion about our current President's intelligence. Oh, I have an opinion, but I recognize that it's unlikely to be totally correct. No one could actually be that dumb.
Aw, that's not fair. Bush isn't all that dumb, at least not compared to _________. There, I said it and I'm not taking it back.
Could Bush get us into a land war in Europe with the Ruskies? Sure, but he's only got a couple of months to do it, if he's going to. You know he's asking himself, "Is America better off at war with Russia compared to having Barack Obama become President?"
How would you stage manage our entrance into a war with Russia? I think we've grown to be more sensitive and intelligent as a nation, so it's going to take more than a Gulf of Tonkin incident. Too bad we've got the "good guy" complex, where we tell the bad guy, "No, you draw first..." (See my remarks on innocence; innocence is not a successful Evolutionary strategy.)
You have to admit that decapitating the Russian Bear, so that all those regions dreaming of autonomy could have it, would be fascinating! Not to mention that it would leave the US without a 'natural enemy.' (Islam doesn't hate America, it hate's modern Americans. Russian dictator-types hate America because we resist world political domination, as opposed to world economic domination, which pays better and offers benefits.)
Many analysts, who seemingly know what they're talking about, say that Russia has never been stronger than it is today. The Georgian invasion is Mr. Boris K.G.B. Putin's way of agreeing with those analysts. With winter coming, Russia's power increases because of all the natural gas and oil they control.
If Bush becomes convinced that Putin is the new Hitler, and that Georgia was like Hitler's Czech takeover, and that the Ukraine will be like Austria, leaving Poland to be Poland again (it's a geographic thing, the Poles aren't to blame), Bush may decide (be told) that Obama is the new Neville Chamberlain, so that nipping Russia's world domination desires in the bud NOW will, over all, same more lives, then we could be at war before the Republican Convention.
But hey, I'm the guy who said that August of 2008 was going to see gloom, doom, financial catastrophe, a new Great Depression, Diet Coke at $9 a can and abstinence as the new morality, but so far all that's happened is that gas is now under $3.89 a gallon. Let's hear it for me being wrong again!
But to answer my own question: If Bush invades Russia, Nancy Grace will still be All Caylee, All the Time.
Aw, that's not fair. Bush isn't all that dumb, at least not compared to _________. There, I said it and I'm not taking it back.
Could Bush get us into a land war in Europe with the Ruskies? Sure, but he's only got a couple of months to do it, if he's going to. You know he's asking himself, "Is America better off at war with Russia compared to having Barack Obama become President?"
How would you stage manage our entrance into a war with Russia? I think we've grown to be more sensitive and intelligent as a nation, so it's going to take more than a Gulf of Tonkin incident. Too bad we've got the "good guy" complex, where we tell the bad guy, "No, you draw first..." (See my remarks on innocence; innocence is not a successful Evolutionary strategy.)
You have to admit that decapitating the Russian Bear, so that all those regions dreaming of autonomy could have it, would be fascinating! Not to mention that it would leave the US without a 'natural enemy.' (Islam doesn't hate America, it hate's modern Americans. Russian dictator-types hate America because we resist world political domination, as opposed to world economic domination, which pays better and offers benefits.)
Many analysts, who seemingly know what they're talking about, say that Russia has never been stronger than it is today. The Georgian invasion is Mr. Boris K.G.B. Putin's way of agreeing with those analysts. With winter coming, Russia's power increases because of all the natural gas and oil they control.
If Bush becomes convinced that Putin is the new Hitler, and that Georgia was like Hitler's Czech takeover, and that the Ukraine will be like Austria, leaving Poland to be Poland again (it's a geographic thing, the Poles aren't to blame), Bush may decide (be told) that Obama is the new Neville Chamberlain, so that nipping Russia's world domination desires in the bud NOW will, over all, same more lives, then we could be at war before the Republican Convention.
But hey, I'm the guy who said that August of 2008 was going to see gloom, doom, financial catastrophe, a new Great Depression, Diet Coke at $9 a can and abstinence as the new morality, but so far all that's happened is that gas is now under $3.89 a gallon. Let's hear it for me being wrong again!
But to answer my own question: If Bush invades Russia, Nancy Grace will still be All Caylee, All the Time.
INNOCENCE
Innocence is an artificial condition. It doesn't exist in the wild. It's only use is in being taken. That's when it's most valuable, when someone spots it and decides to take it.
Innocence only exists when people who definitely aren't innocent shield uninformed humans from reality. Which usually requires money, or something else thought to be valuable. Religious people often work within a frame-work of quasi-innocence, where they know the meek aren't really going to inherit the earth, but they do their best to make the uninformed think this will be so.
The reason I know so much about innocence is because unlike the majority of human adults, I remember what it was like to be young and very, very uninformed. It's my experience that the majority of adults act as if they were born knowing everything. Not me.
I don't have anything against innocence. What you or I think about how some humans create situations where other humans are kept unaware of what douche bags the rest of us really are, isn't important or useful. Innocence is refreshing, and just like most things that are refreshing, an awful lot goes into creating and sustaining it. And it never lasts. But like when my wife puts on her old cheerleader outfit, you can have some fun faking it.
Innocence only exists when people who definitely aren't innocent shield uninformed humans from reality. Which usually requires money, or something else thought to be valuable. Religious people often work within a frame-work of quasi-innocence, where they know the meek aren't really going to inherit the earth, but they do their best to make the uninformed think this will be so.
The reason I know so much about innocence is because unlike the majority of human adults, I remember what it was like to be young and very, very uninformed. It's my experience that the majority of adults act as if they were born knowing everything. Not me.
I don't have anything against innocence. What you or I think about how some humans create situations where other humans are kept unaware of what douche bags the rest of us really are, isn't important or useful. Innocence is refreshing, and just like most things that are refreshing, an awful lot goes into creating and sustaining it. And it never lasts. But like when my wife puts on her old cheerleader outfit, you can have some fun faking it.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Ultimately, Some Things Do Matter ...
But it's unlikely I'd spend time thinking about them.
Like right now for instance...
If John McCain and Barak Obama waltzed together, who would lead?
If I go on an abstinence binge, can I OD on it?
How horny is Casey Anthony going to be when she finally gets out on bail?
How much would you pay to see a paint ball battle between Reille Hunter and Elizabeth Edwards? Who would BabyDaddy Edwards be rooting for?
How much would it cost me to get a program on my local cable access channel? How much more if it were tasteful?
There's more, but Nancy Grace has breaking news!
Like right now for instance...
If John McCain and Barak Obama waltzed together, who would lead?
If I go on an abstinence binge, can I OD on it?
How horny is Casey Anthony going to be when she finally gets out on bail?
How much would you pay to see a paint ball battle between Reille Hunter and Elizabeth Edwards? Who would BabyDaddy Edwards be rooting for?
How much would it cost me to get a program on my local cable access channel? How much more if it were tasteful?
There's more, but Nancy Grace has breaking news!
Guv's Thong Wish . . .
I sincerely hope that you'll excuse the hasty patch & splash job I did on the photo... Because if I'm anything at all, it's Mr. Sincerely.
Because what's important is the behind the scenes, under the carpet, over the rainbow investigation I've done. And me, a mere curb painter!
The first time I saw this photo on the Guv's other site, where her alter-eggo reigns, http://spacepie.wordpress.com/, I knew I'd be having bad dreams (or as Sigmund Phreud called them 'nighttime wild horses', which a thoughtful translator rendered into English as 'nightmares'). But I didn't. I slept like I was sitting at the right had of Ghawd in a nice faux-leather BarcaLounger and He was judging the damned and it got really, really boring and so I put a napkin under my chin to catch the drool and napped like there was no tomorrow, just eternity.
Anyway I am willing to testify, under oath, in front of any judge in the Grand Caymans, that the Guv thinks that the Fish is the 90 year old woman! (I almost wrote '90 year old chick' but fish and chicks don't go together.)
I'll leave it up to the jury to decide the case, but if she's found guilty, I call dibs on her sentence!
Because what's important is the behind the scenes, under the carpet, over the rainbow investigation I've done. And me, a mere curb painter!
The first time I saw this photo on the Guv's other site, where her alter-eggo reigns, http://spacepie.wordpress.com/, I knew I'd be having bad dreams (or as Sigmund Phreud called them 'nighttime wild horses', which a thoughtful translator rendered into English as 'nightmares'). But I didn't. I slept like I was sitting at the right had of Ghawd in a nice faux-leather BarcaLounger and He was judging the damned and it got really, really boring and so I put a napkin under my chin to catch the drool and napped like there was no tomorrow, just eternity.
Anyway I am willing to testify, under oath, in front of any judge in the Grand Caymans, that the Guv thinks that the Fish is the 90 year old woman! (I almost wrote '90 year old chick' but fish and chicks don't go together.)
I'll leave it up to the jury to decide the case, but if she's found guilty, I call dibs on her sentence!
One Thing About Being a Guy ...
Okay, one thing about being a Straight Guy...
While we Straight Guys quickly learn that we don't need to get EVERY female in the world pregnant, we still want to try.
In fact, there's often as much joy in trying as in succeeding. And you can quote me.
While we Straight Guys quickly learn that we don't need to get EVERY female in the world pregnant, we still want to try.
In fact, there's often as much joy in trying as in succeeding. And you can quote me.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I Want What's Best For Me-ism
IWWBFM (pronounced: I-wib-fism) is the way of the world. We're all born wanting what we want and wanting it NOW!
"Maturity" is word we use to describe what we do to try to work around IWWBFM. It's all so patchworky, make shift and in constant flux, as we try to get us enough of us to work together to make whatever we're calling 'progress' at that moment.
It's a lot easier in a dictatorial society: whatever the leader wants is what society gets. But once that silly 'governance by the consent of the governed' stuff started, we all had the chance to get cranky-pantsed about how things are going.
Elections are the poster children of IWWBFM. For instance, because I consider myself an Uncompassionate Republican, I want McCain to pick Mitt Romney as his VP, win the election and then to resign in dishonor (of whatever kind) in February of 2009. Mitt can then select Joe Lieberman as his VP and America can go stomp on Russia and Iran and establish 200 years of cheap gas, global warming Pax Americana.
Now here's the thing: I recognize that my daydream ought not to be binding on the rest of the world. I shan't deluge the blogosphere with diatribes about how anyone who disagrees with me is "wrong." Because there is no such thing as a wrong opinion. Okay, yes, there are uninformed opinions, but having one isn't a sin! And since no one can know everything, all any of us have are not-fully-formed opinions!
What's going to count are votes! Especially the illegal ones! Come November, after all the sturm und drang of the Presidential race is over, we'll be on a new course of action. If statistics can be relied on, a third of us will be basically happy with the new order, a third will be bitterly opposed to the new order and a third won't care all that much. Doesn't matter who wins, these stats are probably going to be accurate!
So here's my advice... Chill out. If you must, politely state your preferences; tell me, in measured discourse, why I should change my mind, so that I will do what you think is best for you, instead of what I think is best for me. (Yeah, fat chance...)
And if you're really quixotic, go into detail about what a shit-head I am for not agreeing with you. But it will immediately label you as unrealistic and a despot. And I shan't favor you with an offer of Sperm. Well, if you're a guy, I wouldn't have anyway. After all, what straight guy gives a rat's ass what another guy thinks?
My name is Bert Laztheist Bananas and I approved this message.
"Maturity" is word we use to describe what we do to try to work around IWWBFM. It's all so patchworky, make shift and in constant flux, as we try to get us enough of us to work together to make whatever we're calling 'progress' at that moment.
It's a lot easier in a dictatorial society: whatever the leader wants is what society gets. But once that silly 'governance by the consent of the governed' stuff started, we all had the chance to get cranky-pantsed about how things are going.
Elections are the poster children of IWWBFM. For instance, because I consider myself an Uncompassionate Republican, I want McCain to pick Mitt Romney as his VP, win the election and then to resign in dishonor (of whatever kind) in February of 2009. Mitt can then select Joe Lieberman as his VP and America can go stomp on Russia and Iran and establish 200 years of cheap gas, global warming Pax Americana.
Now here's the thing: I recognize that my daydream ought not to be binding on the rest of the world. I shan't deluge the blogosphere with diatribes about how anyone who disagrees with me is "wrong." Because there is no such thing as a wrong opinion. Okay, yes, there are uninformed opinions, but having one isn't a sin! And since no one can know everything, all any of us have are not-fully-formed opinions!
What's going to count are votes! Especially the illegal ones! Come November, after all the sturm und drang of the Presidential race is over, we'll be on a new course of action. If statistics can be relied on, a third of us will be basically happy with the new order, a third will be bitterly opposed to the new order and a third won't care all that much. Doesn't matter who wins, these stats are probably going to be accurate!
So here's my advice... Chill out. If you must, politely state your preferences; tell me, in measured discourse, why I should change my mind, so that I will do what you think is best for you, instead of what I think is best for me. (Yeah, fat chance...)
And if you're really quixotic, go into detail about what a shit-head I am for not agreeing with you. But it will immediately label you as unrealistic and a despot. And I shan't favor you with an offer of Sperm. Well, if you're a guy, I wouldn't have anyway. After all, what straight guy gives a rat's ass what another guy thinks?
My name is Bert Laztheist Bananas and I approved this message.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I'm Old Enough to Remember When You Didn't Have to Know Much or Do Much
As a Future Fossil of America, I am way old enough to remember how little a person had to know, or do, to get by in life. Was that a better time? How the heck would I know? I'm still doing my best not to know or do much.
I remember when there was only AM radio.
I remember when there was only 13 possible TV channels.
I remember when I only had one possible phone number. And if I couldn't reach a person by phone, I only had two alternatives, a telegram or a letter.
I remember when doctors made house calls.
I remember when there was no welfare. You youngsters can't even begin to figure out how that would work...
I remember when teachers and school administrators spanked kids to keep order in schools. If that didn't work, they kicked yer ass out.
I remember when pregnant teenagers (girls, for the most part) would go away, have the baby, give it up for adoption and then come back to school like nothing had happened.
I remember when getting a whittling kit for my birthday was the coolest thing EVER!
I remember when all a kid needed to have fun was a door to the outside.
I remember when retirement meant living with one of your kids.
I remember when you could cure whatever you caught from having sex.
I remember when sex was only face to face. Seriously, that's the way it was way back then!!
It boils down to me having to stuff more information in my brain on a daily basis than my grandparents had to store in their brains in a year. And I can't keep up! If you think you're keeping up, then you're not getting enough sleep.
I remember when there was only AM radio.
I remember when there was only 13 possible TV channels.
I remember when I only had one possible phone number. And if I couldn't reach a person by phone, I only had two alternatives, a telegram or a letter.
I remember when doctors made house calls.
I remember when there was no welfare. You youngsters can't even begin to figure out how that would work...
I remember when teachers and school administrators spanked kids to keep order in schools. If that didn't work, they kicked yer ass out.
I remember when pregnant teenagers (girls, for the most part) would go away, have the baby, give it up for adoption and then come back to school like nothing had happened.
I remember when getting a whittling kit for my birthday was the coolest thing EVER!
I remember when all a kid needed to have fun was a door to the outside.
I remember when retirement meant living with one of your kids.
I remember when you could cure whatever you caught from having sex.
I remember when sex was only face to face. Seriously, that's the way it was way back then!!
It boils down to me having to stuff more information in my brain on a daily basis than my grandparents had to store in their brains in a year. And I can't keep up! If you think you're keeping up, then you're not getting enough sleep.
B.C. Pills Cause Women to Choose the Wrong Guys!!
Certainly Pistols will take heart in this theory being put forth by British scientists, that birth control pills 'skew' women's ability to choose the right mates.
The theory goes that women have evolved the ability to 'sense' a good biological match, in terms of who should father their children. Birth Control pills have messed with this ability and so women aren't making 'good' choices! So they start humping with the wrong guys and things don't work out and they drop that 'wrong' guy, but then just end up with another 'wrong' guy!
Wrong guys have never had it better.
The consensus of the scientists is that women should stop taking B.C. pills until they get their 'sense' of mating back. The condom manufacturers who sponsored this scientific inquiry have stated that they are totally shocked and surprised by the results of the study...
The theory goes that women have evolved the ability to 'sense' a good biological match, in terms of who should father their children. Birth Control pills have messed with this ability and so women aren't making 'good' choices! So they start humping with the wrong guys and things don't work out and they drop that 'wrong' guy, but then just end up with another 'wrong' guy!
Wrong guys have never had it better.
The consensus of the scientists is that women should stop taking B.C. pills until they get their 'sense' of mating back. The condom manufacturers who sponsored this scientific inquiry have stated that they are totally shocked and surprised by the results of the study...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
CHINA LOSES FACE !!
Specifically the one on the right. She's the one you heard singing if you watched the O.G. opening ceremonies. But rather than have her buck teeth and plump-ish face mar the world's appreciation of Chinese culture and heritage, the one on the left was put on camera.
Eventually science will get to the point where it can accommodate really concerned parents by determining during the first trimester whether the baby will be born 'cute'. Uncute fetuses can then be aborted by those who prize cuteness above all else.
Which will then remove the need for lip synching and cosmetic surgery.
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Hunt for Bed October
... or How I prostated myself for money.
Yes, people do prostate themselves. Well, male people do. But you have to be able to trip the lithe fantastic.
I'm killing time until "The Big Bang Theory" starts at 8:00 p.m. PDT, on CBS. Yes, I know I've said I don't like things that are scripted, but this sit-com really is different. Okay, the only difference is that the characters are mainly geniuses. (The female lead has genius boobs.) I could go on but I don't want you to get your hopes up all that high. It is, after all, just a series of commercials interrupted by a 21 minute story.
Yes, people do prostate themselves. Well, male people do. But you have to be able to trip the lithe fantastic.
I'm killing time until "The Big Bang Theory" starts at 8:00 p.m. PDT, on CBS. Yes, I know I've said I don't like things that are scripted, but this sit-com really is different. Okay, the only difference is that the characters are mainly geniuses. (The female lead has genius boobs.) I could go on but I don't want you to get your hopes up all that high. It is, after all, just a series of commercials interrupted by a 21 minute story.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
A Boomer Retirement Reality Show
Many of you have Boomer parents who are either retired or getting ready to retire. There's a lot of interest in retirement, at least if you believe in the ads you see while watching golf on TV. And who doesn't believe TV ads?
Here's my primary thought about "retirement": It's not part of the evolutionary scheme of things. Evolution is all about the survival of the species. If anything, "retirement" works more against survival than it does for it.
But that's neither here nor there... What's important right now is that a decent show about Boomers, that attracted Boomer watchers, would be a ratings winner. Here are some of the titles that are rattling around in my brain pan:
Sun City Scandals
CSI The Villages
Dancing with Arthritis
Forgetting Alzheimer's
Don't Answer the Phone, it might be the Kids!
Fixed Income Follies
Viagra, the Musical
Prostate Confidential
Here's my primary thought about "retirement": It's not part of the evolutionary scheme of things. Evolution is all about the survival of the species. If anything, "retirement" works more against survival than it does for it.
But that's neither here nor there... What's important right now is that a decent show about Boomers, that attracted Boomer watchers, would be a ratings winner. Here are some of the titles that are rattling around in my brain pan:
Sun City Scandals
CSI The Villages
Dancing with Arthritis
Forgetting Alzheimer's
Don't Answer the Phone, it might be the Kids!
Fixed Income Follies
Viagra, the Musical
Prostate Confidential
Golf in the Time of Cholera, or, 100 Years of Golf
The Marriott Desert Springs Hotel & Spa is run by humans for humans, so things were up and down, which is what humans do best. Or most frequently.
That's me in the first photo and the view from my room in the second photo.
I never looked out at this view until I was leaving.
It was hot. And humid. 109 when we teed off on Wednesday afternoon. After we finally all dragged in, to shower and get ready for dinner, we then had the wonderful experience of walking out of the hotel and into the 101 degree darkness.
The next day it was cloudy and we got hit with a cloud burst. A cloud burst in 98 degree temperature. You get all wet and yet you're still hot.
I played terribly, but the price was right.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Two Days in Palm Springs
Spending August 6th & 7th in the Palm Springs playing golf makes really good sense on paper. Eight straight male golfers at a 5 star hotel with two rounds of golf for just $80 each is SUCH a bargain!! On paper...
It's going to be around 106 degrees and it's going to be humid. The temperature doesn't go down much over night. At least two of us will get heat stroke and puke and faint, not necessarily in that order. But at least the new life-saving procedures do NOT require mouth to mouth any more. Just the pumping on the chest thing, thank goodness.
Why are we doing this? Only a non-golfing male or a woman would ask this question. Which is fortunate, because I don't have an answer that makes the slightest bit of sense. I don't care about not having an answer for the non-golfing male. But if you're a female and you ask me this, I'll come up with something that tries to make me look good...
You know another thing that's not going to happen while we're golfing? We're not going to pee. Under those conditions, no matter how much you drink, you just sweat it all out and there's nothing for the kidneys to work with. Which is what helps cause kidney stones. But ever since I had my tubes widened, the stones just pass through without a problem.
I'll post some photos on Friday, so don't give up on the internet just yet, okay?
It's going to be around 106 degrees and it's going to be humid. The temperature doesn't go down much over night. At least two of us will get heat stroke and puke and faint, not necessarily in that order. But at least the new life-saving procedures do NOT require mouth to mouth any more. Just the pumping on the chest thing, thank goodness.
Why are we doing this? Only a non-golfing male or a woman would ask this question. Which is fortunate, because I don't have an answer that makes the slightest bit of sense. I don't care about not having an answer for the non-golfing male. But if you're a female and you ask me this, I'll come up with something that tries to make me look good...
You know another thing that's not going to happen while we're golfing? We're not going to pee. Under those conditions, no matter how much you drink, you just sweat it all out and there's nothing for the kidneys to work with. Which is what helps cause kidney stones. But ever since I had my tubes widened, the stones just pass through without a problem.
I'll post some photos on Friday, so don't give up on the internet just yet, okay?
Monday, August 04, 2008
Welcome to August
I think this 31 day month is going to be exciting. If by exciting we mean that people are going to be screaming "Oh Shit!" a lot. But then again, October could even be more exciting.
I'd make some exact predictions, but then because they're mostly negative in nature, I don't want people to think that because I'd guessed correctly that I might have had some inside knowledge. There's nothing 'inside' about reading the handwriting on the wall.
You know that Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times"? Whether we deserve it or not (and we mostly do) we're going to get the interesting times.
A lot of what's going to be interesting is the ability we all have of staying in touch with what's happening. YouTube could be a major source of news, as well as entertainment.
If I'm wrong, how boring.
I'd make some exact predictions, but then because they're mostly negative in nature, I don't want people to think that because I'd guessed correctly that I might have had some inside knowledge. There's nothing 'inside' about reading the handwriting on the wall.
You know that Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times"? Whether we deserve it or not (and we mostly do) we're going to get the interesting times.
A lot of what's going to be interesting is the ability we all have of staying in touch with what's happening. YouTube could be a major source of news, as well as entertainment.
If I'm wrong, how boring.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
The Forefinger distains the Pinkie; the Pinkie doesn't care.
Fingers are very personal. Go ahead, look down at your hands. Marvelous, aren't they? Now straighten them so you can admire your fingernails. Okay, so maybe you don't like your fingers or your fingernails. Bad form, that; stop it!
You should find a way to like them. I love my fingers and fingernails. I love how muscular my fingers are. I love the arthritic lumps on the distal joints of my pinkies, I think they give me character. When creating the custom of extending one's pinkie while holding a demitasse of some expensive liquid, they had to be thinking of me and the the awesome impression I give at such moments.
The antipathy between the forefinger and the pinkie is simple to explain: When a guy is fighting for his life, he can use his forefinger to try to poke out/gouge his opponent's eye. Even if you've never had to do this, your forefinger knows this is one of the reasons for its existence. And naturally it takes pride in this fact. The middle finger and the ring finger are there to support the forefinger and so are hangers-on. Sort of like Draco Malfoy's young henchmen.
But the pinkie isn't a fighter, and this becomes the source of the antipathy.
Okay, I haven't mentioned the thumb... Shakespeare referred to human thumbs in Hamlet: "...and by opposing end them..." Thumbs are complicated and deserving of their own category.
So now to the punch line: It's been proven conclusively in numerous studies that each of us is like one of the five human digits. (Although it has not been ruled out that some people are like the big toe, and some, possibly more common than we'd like to admit, are like a hemorrhoid. But that's for another post.) Which finger are you?
You should find a way to like them. I love my fingers and fingernails. I love how muscular my fingers are. I love the arthritic lumps on the distal joints of my pinkies, I think they give me character. When creating the custom of extending one's pinkie while holding a demitasse of some expensive liquid, they had to be thinking of me and the the awesome impression I give at such moments.
The antipathy between the forefinger and the pinkie is simple to explain: When a guy is fighting for his life, he can use his forefinger to try to poke out/gouge his opponent's eye. Even if you've never had to do this, your forefinger knows this is one of the reasons for its existence. And naturally it takes pride in this fact. The middle finger and the ring finger are there to support the forefinger and so are hangers-on. Sort of like Draco Malfoy's young henchmen.
But the pinkie isn't a fighter, and this becomes the source of the antipathy.
Okay, I haven't mentioned the thumb... Shakespeare referred to human thumbs in Hamlet: "...and by opposing end them..." Thumbs are complicated and deserving of their own category.
So now to the punch line: It's been proven conclusively in numerous studies that each of us is like one of the five human digits. (Although it has not been ruled out that some people are like the big toe, and some, possibly more common than we'd like to admit, are like a hemorrhoid. But that's for another post.) Which finger are you?
Which is better/worse, Tolerance or Intolerance?
Personally, I don't have an answer. See, I don't have a horse in this race. There are things I tolerate and there are things I refuse to tolerate. I have my mind made up on these issues. But here's the thing: I made these decisions all on my own. Neither my parents nor any religion pre-programed me one way or another. At least not that I can decipher
Way back in the 1930s, Roman Catholic apologist Bishop Fulton J. Sheen said that the world was suffering because too many people were becoming tolerant of things that Ghawd said should not be tolerated. He was full of it.
Oh sure, I know things would be a lot easier if theists had absolute control; we'd all march to the same drum. And maybe we'd even be happier? We'd be be sheep, but if the meadows we grazed in were verdant, and our predators were kept in check, and we didn't know anything else, who'd be bleating?
But until Los Muslimistas take over, becoming a sheep is entirely voluntary. I've asked myself, who voluntarily gives control of his life to someone else? I have plenty of facetious answers, but since it's not a test, my answers aren't being graded.
The best thing you can do until Los Muslimistas take over is double-check the things about which you are intolerant; ask yourself, "Is this hatred really necessary?" Another important question would be, "Could I get laid more if I weren't so blatantly intolerant about __________?"
But then expressing tolerance towards child rapists and starvation in Darfur is hardly likely to ensure the continuation of your seed. Yes, it's easy to point to the extremes on either side of the continuum. But it doesn't take away from my point: it's more important to get laid than to voice opinions about things that don't really effect you.
Way back in the 1930s, Roman Catholic apologist Bishop Fulton J. Sheen said that the world was suffering because too many people were becoming tolerant of things that Ghawd said should not be tolerated. He was full of it.
Oh sure, I know things would be a lot easier if theists had absolute control; we'd all march to the same drum. And maybe we'd even be happier? We'd be be sheep, but if the meadows we grazed in were verdant, and our predators were kept in check, and we didn't know anything else, who'd be bleating?
But until Los Muslimistas take over, becoming a sheep is entirely voluntary. I've asked myself, who voluntarily gives control of his life to someone else? I have plenty of facetious answers, but since it's not a test, my answers aren't being graded.
The best thing you can do until Los Muslimistas take over is double-check the things about which you are intolerant; ask yourself, "Is this hatred really necessary?" Another important question would be, "Could I get laid more if I weren't so blatantly intolerant about __________?"
But then expressing tolerance towards child rapists and starvation in Darfur is hardly likely to ensure the continuation of your seed. Yes, it's easy to point to the extremes on either side of the continuum. But it doesn't take away from my point: it's more important to get laid than to voice opinions about things that don't really effect you.
The Night I was Tapped for Skull & Bones!
Everyone associates Skull & Bones with Yale. But unknown to the world at large, you can be attending ANY university or school of higher learning and get tapped!
It happened for me at BYU. Weird, huh? Ever since I'd first read about Skull & Bones in Doonesbury, I'd wondered if I'd ever be 'tapped.' At first I figured I'd immediately say, "In!" when tapped on the shoulder and asked, "In or out?"
But as the months and year passed, I began to think about it more dispassionately. Sure, it would be nice to be part of something way bigger than myself. But then it finally hit me, when you become part of something bigger than yourself, it owns you. But having already sold out to my testicles, I didn't want to be pulled apart by competing loyalties.
So by the time the 'tap' came, I was resolute and stalwart and I piped up loud and clear, "Out!"
Have I lived to regret it? No, because I keep some source of loud noise on constantly so I can't concentrate, much less even think straight. Which, of course, gives away the secret to my blogging abilities. But hey, if you can't violate yourself, who else is left?
It happened for me at BYU. Weird, huh? Ever since I'd first read about Skull & Bones in Doonesbury, I'd wondered if I'd ever be 'tapped.' At first I figured I'd immediately say, "In!" when tapped on the shoulder and asked, "In or out?"
But as the months and year passed, I began to think about it more dispassionately. Sure, it would be nice to be part of something way bigger than myself. But then it finally hit me, when you become part of something bigger than yourself, it owns you. But having already sold out to my testicles, I didn't want to be pulled apart by competing loyalties.
So by the time the 'tap' came, I was resolute and stalwart and I piped up loud and clear, "Out!"
Have I lived to regret it? No, because I keep some source of loud noise on constantly so I can't concentrate, much less even think straight. Which, of course, gives away the secret to my blogging abilities. But hey, if you can't violate yourself, who else is left?
Friday, August 01, 2008
Designer Vaginas
Drudge links to a story about the popularity of having experts redo tired, abused, your huddled mass, yearning to be free, or otherwise less than optimal vagina. I don't know a single woman who has had this procedure. Would they want you to know? It's probably not the same as getting implants and wanting the whole world to notice.
Off the top of my head, I only have a couple of things to say about designer vaginas:
Is there a catalog?
I didn't find any on Ebay
Do they attach a label, like Prada, during the procedure?
They probably don't come cheap
Off the top of my head, I only have a couple of things to say about designer vaginas:
Is there a catalog?
I didn't find any on Ebay
Do they attach a label, like Prada, during the procedure?
They probably don't come cheap
Here's a Point I'd like to gnaw on 'til it's Blunt and Useless
As many of you know who have slept with me, I don't like things that are scripted, other than sex.
Movies, a majority of books, Rap, Sit-Coms & Reality Shows are all scripted. So I don't have anything to do with them, except for The Big Bang Theory Monday nights at 8:00 p.m. (7:00 Central) on CBS. Oh yeah, it's totally scripted, but it's a haughty sort of low brow humor that one can take pride in. Plus Penny totally has nice boobs.
And so to my point: DiscoveryTV is good dadgum good watchin'.
Science is looking for the "God Particle", also called the Higgs Boson. Proving it's existence will shore up an already fairly stable Standard Model. One of the postulates of the Standard Model is that all matter is made up of 12 building blocks:
six quarks and six leptons.
The quarks are the 'up quark', the 'down quark', the 'charm quark', the 'strange quark', the 'top quark' and the 'bottom quark'.
The six leptons are the 'electron', the 'electron-neutrino', the 'muon', the 'muon-neutrino', the 'tau' and the 'tau-neutrino'.
So what, you ask? Just this: not one of them is mentioned, or even hinted at, in ANY religious writings existing prior to 1945.
Most people are more comfortable looking up at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for scientific guidance, or whatever it's Muslim/Buddhist/Hindu/TomCruiseian equivalent would be.
And why would a Ghawd create Black Holes and not tell anyone about them? You think He's pissed now that we figured out that every galaxy has one at its center?
Anyway, tune in with me next Monday night at 8:00 p.m./7:00 Central and pretend to pass me chips and an Old Milwaukee and I'll pretend to pass gas.
Movies, a majority of books, Rap, Sit-Coms & Reality Shows are all scripted. So I don't have anything to do with them, except for The Big Bang Theory Monday nights at 8:00 p.m. (7:00 Central) on CBS. Oh yeah, it's totally scripted, but it's a haughty sort of low brow humor that one can take pride in. Plus Penny totally has nice boobs.
And so to my point: DiscoveryTV is good dadgum good watchin'.
Science is looking for the "God Particle", also called the Higgs Boson. Proving it's existence will shore up an already fairly stable Standard Model. One of the postulates of the Standard Model is that all matter is made up of 12 building blocks:
six quarks and six leptons.
The quarks are the 'up quark', the 'down quark', the 'charm quark', the 'strange quark', the 'top quark' and the 'bottom quark'.
The six leptons are the 'electron', the 'electron-neutrino', the 'muon', the 'muon-neutrino', the 'tau' and the 'tau-neutrino'.
So what, you ask? Just this: not one of them is mentioned, or even hinted at, in ANY religious writings existing prior to 1945.
Most people are more comfortable looking up at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for scientific guidance, or whatever it's Muslim/Buddhist/Hindu/TomCruiseian equivalent would be.
And why would a Ghawd create Black Holes and not tell anyone about them? You think He's pissed now that we figured out that every galaxy has one at its center?
Anyway, tune in with me next Monday night at 8:00 p.m./7:00 Central and pretend to pass me chips and an Old Milwaukee and I'll pretend to pass gas.
Grumbled Futures in Stock Market Dive
There have been any number of 'Empires' that lasted centuries. Americans have, as is usual with home team bravado, taken great pride in the 1776 - 2008 American Empire. But it's beginning to look like we're going to be starting our own British-like slide into former title-holder status. America will for quite a number of years to come still get a good seat at restaurants, just not the best seat. For many of us it's going to be hard to take.
What may have helped make us great (truly a very subjective finding) was our productivity. Just look what productivity is doing for China and India/SE Asia now.
There are probably a myriad of explanations about what made us great, but all of them pretty much ignore an essential part of our humanity: how dumb some of us are. The thing is, I think I'm preaching to the choir here. Would you have shot the last carrier pigeon? Would you have forced the Cherokee to self-migrate from Georgia to Oklahoma? Would you have killed a Black man who wolf-whistled at a pretty White girl? Would you have voted for Prohibition? A person could go on and on listing the mistakes America/Americans have made. You gotta love greed...
But even among 'good' people (another example of subjectivity running amok) we have our differences. For instance, I am not a fan of universal health care. My reasons for being against it include the likelihood that it will keep people alive who are better off dead.
Some of you are ardently Green. I happen to be ... what color are gas fumes?
And at this stage of our empire's decline, a huge segment of the vocal public is all caught up in the notion that we can vote our way through it, that the way we vote in November can change all of this! But what about the possibility that 'government' isn't the answer? What if government is the problem?
A bit of internet borrowing and massaging of data indicates that there are roughly 30 million employees/contractors/grant-takers/troops who live off of taxes. This is for all levels of American government. We're a nation of roughly 300 million. So every tenth person gets paid from taxes. When you factor in the unemployed, the disabled, children and old/retired people, what percentage of working Americans gets paid from taxes? Whatever the figure, it's too big. And no, I didn't count welfare recipients as people who live off taxes; I probably should have! This is a large part of the reason that the Social Security Ponzi Administration is dialed in for bankruptcy.
The one certainty that I can cling to is that at this point our inertia is way too big for any vote to effect it. We're totally going to get to where we're headed.
It's my belief (hope?) that the best way out of America's 2nd Great Depression is for anarchists to unite and save us all. But it's not going to be very pretty.
What may have helped make us great (truly a very subjective finding) was our productivity. Just look what productivity is doing for China and India/SE Asia now.
There are probably a myriad of explanations about what made us great, but all of them pretty much ignore an essential part of our humanity: how dumb some of us are. The thing is, I think I'm preaching to the choir here. Would you have shot the last carrier pigeon? Would you have forced the Cherokee to self-migrate from Georgia to Oklahoma? Would you have killed a Black man who wolf-whistled at a pretty White girl? Would you have voted for Prohibition? A person could go on and on listing the mistakes America/Americans have made. You gotta love greed...
But even among 'good' people (another example of subjectivity running amok) we have our differences. For instance, I am not a fan of universal health care. My reasons for being against it include the likelihood that it will keep people alive who are better off dead.
Some of you are ardently Green. I happen to be ... what color are gas fumes?
And at this stage of our empire's decline, a huge segment of the vocal public is all caught up in the notion that we can vote our way through it, that the way we vote in November can change all of this! But what about the possibility that 'government' isn't the answer? What if government is the problem?
A bit of internet borrowing and massaging of data indicates that there are roughly 30 million employees/contractors/grant-takers/troops who live off of taxes. This is for all levels of American government. We're a nation of roughly 300 million. So every tenth person gets paid from taxes. When you factor in the unemployed, the disabled, children and old/retired people, what percentage of working Americans gets paid from taxes? Whatever the figure, it's too big. And no, I didn't count welfare recipients as people who live off taxes; I probably should have! This is a large part of the reason that the Social Security Ponzi Administration is dialed in for bankruptcy.
The one certainty that I can cling to is that at this point our inertia is way too big for any vote to effect it. We're totally going to get to where we're headed.
It's my belief (hope?) that the best way out of America's 2nd Great Depression is for anarchists to unite and save us all. But it's not going to be very pretty.
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