Seriously, I lost count of the number or women I've asked to marry me. It's a big number. Not up there with King Solomon, the Shah of Priapus, or the Emir of Emoticon, but still, above the national average. I simply figured that if I started my pitch to get a female into bed with an indication that I was hot to marry her, it could tilt the scales in my favor. I am very "if A, then B" kind of guy.
I had all kinds of proposals, always choosing what I felt was the best pitch for the time, place and situation. I can't recall exactly what I said to Sue Smith in 8th grade, but she said no. Now that I think about it, my first couple of dozen times, the answer was always no. But then my luck changed and I started getting a nice little string of yeses! It was intoxicating, which could explain my lack of any need for booze or drugs.
Anyway, I was flipping channels and came across a movie with Gary Shandling and Annette Benning. He was an alien. She was a human female, so she was also an alien. It was just before the movie ends. Apparently they'd gotten married some time earlier and they were renewing their vows. The priest said, "Gary and Annette have written their own vows. Gary, please go ahead."
Gary says, with evident sincerity, "Annette, when I first met you, I just wanted to get into your pants. But now I know I want to spend the rest of my life getting into your pants."
See? This is what they talk about when they say fiction often being more revealing than the truth.
What woman wouldn't want to hear this from the lips of an adoring male? It's the very essence of what holds marriages together. And it's why I think that Jesus and Mary Madeline were an item; He is just the kind of Guy to be that direct and to the point.
I'm going to work this in somehow on Mother's Day while I'm explaining to my wife why I didn't even get her a card. (Hey, she's not MY mother!)
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As I rarely manage to have relationships with partners my friends can stand, or even with partners who can stand me and don't need to bring the courts into the relationship to determine just how many yards I need to stay from them at all times (I can now eyeball exactly 100 yards from any point), I know nothing about marriage, but it seems to me that for men, it occurs when you are tired of the hunt. You grow old, weary, and are no longer able to chase down gazelles the way you did when young, which is okay, because there isn't much to do with a captured gazelle. Their table manners and conversational abilities leave much to be desired.
Wizened by age, you think about the end result of most of these pursuits, realize that if you marry someone, it - I mean she - will be next to you in bed, and that's a lot easier to pursue. Who wants to leave the house you spend all your money on anyway? Plus, then you can get fat, because you both entered a legal contract, and sometimes draft picks don't work out, but they still get the money in the contract anyway.
As for marriage proposals, I'm 0 for 1. In retrospect, "You're never going to do any better than me" was probably not the line I should have led with. Sadly, it was the best of the ten reasons I gave.
What number proposal was the lucky one who said yes? I suppose practice makes perfect.
This really tickled me! Sweet, stoopid, funny. Thanks alot xx
PS If you need some 'shut your bloghole' drop by my page on a Wednesday
Regards PaulaBxx
I suggest you tell your wife you want to renew your vows.
What if this blog was written by a female and she remarked about how many times she said "yes" or "no"?
If she said anything above three, us guys immediately think her pants are probably worth getting into.
However, when guys remark about the number of proposals they make (and are refused), we sound desperate.
Our low point would be "hey, you can always have me instead".
Are there female numbers and male numbers? Men always seem to have negative numbers to an infinite power. Women just have infinite power...
I think that women get asked a lot, sometimes in the middle of inane questions, to throw them off. "How's the weather? Hot enough for you? Do you like ice cream? Wanna get married? Do you watch television programs?"
That doesn't work, either, just so you know.
Wonderful to see into the male psyche. :-)
Pat Jenkins, I've been married three times. Weirdly, I never asked my first wife to marry me. I went to visit her over Spring Break, at her parents' home, and she mentioned at dinner that we were getting married. I was too polite to correct her in front of her parents, and so it got set in concrete. What's guy to do?
By the time I married Liz, I had learned to propose with just a look and an arched eyebrow...
Paula, (Paula Bunker just happens to be the woman I spend more time trying to get to marry me, so seeing a "Paula" kind of spooked me...) I've bookmarked your Excribitionish blog. Thanks for the invite...
Incognito, the 'male psyche' doesn't need 'looking into.' The male psyche sticks out and announces itself...
Pistols, one of my better proposals was the reverse of your 0 for 1 attempt; I'd say that I could never do better, which plucked at her pride, at the same time I plucked at her buttons.
Your first wife's plan was brilliant! Did she buy herself a ring as evidence? How about writing a fictional proposal? "See, he bought me this ring, and proposed to me in Notre Dame at sunset!" Then you could think to yourself, "Wow, fictional me is quite a romantic. It's no wonder she wants to marry him."
"Fictional Me" lives a life that I can't bear to talk about, as I wind up with a big lump in my pants. I mean, throat...
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