Solemnity

Solemnity . . .

I'd always known I had a problem in this area, but the cap stone on the edifice of my inability to be solemn came at what has to be considered a tender age, 19. A hallowed edifice dedicated to me being a jerk.

I was once a Mormon Missionary. It was Old School. I don't know what they do now, exactly, but it's way different. Old School, we spent a week at the Mission Home in Salt Lake City, about a block from Temple Square. We were there for seven days, and we got preached to by everybody who was anybody, except for David O. McKay, who was at the point the Prophet, Seer & Revelator, aka President of the Church. He must have been out of town...

The most notable Church dignitary in those days, other than Pres. McKay, was Joseph Fielding Smith. Joseph Fielding Smith was made an Apostle in 1910! JFS succeeded David O. McKay as President of the Church. One thing you could have taken to the bank during his tenure was that God was not going to give Blacks the Priesthood on his watch! Old School, he was the last of the really Heavy Hitters. I don't know now to what extent JFS's writings are venerated, but Old School, he was the Boss. JFS was succeeded by Harold B. Lee. He was New School...

My Missionary Companion was Elder Bowler. Melvin Bowler. He'd be a force in Utah politics right now if he hadn't been killed in a solo car accident during his first year back at BYU after the Mission. According to Mormon Theory, these things just don't happen for no reason, so it was commonly accepted that Elder Bowler was Called Home... Don't get me started...

So there are Elder Bowler and Elder Bananas sitting side by side, at the left edge of the room, about three-quarters of the way back, looking solemn as all get out, part of a group of about 200 solemn as all get out Missionaries. We'd been in this stuffy room for most of the morning, being preached to. The current speaker finished and one the Mission Home staff moved to the podium and with great (but hushed) excitement told us that Joseph Fielding Smith has decided to address us! And in he walked!

At this late stage in my life I can no longer remember what he was talking about, but I do remember that he was after audience participation. He asked a question to which the answer was three. When he posed the question, he asked that we show him the answer by holding up the correct number of fingers. I knew the answer was three, so my hand shot up, and while my cognitive center was sending out a message to motor control center to hold up three fingers, motor control center got a message from, probably, the primitive lizard brain part of human mind and I flipped Joseph Fielding Smith the bird.

If one accepts that 'these things just don't happen for no reason' then one must conclude that I am definitely following a plan... Which, of course, would raise more questions than it answers. Were I a solemn chap, I'd think about it.