What is "Cool"?

The concept of 'Cool,' or 'Kewl' as it is sometimes called, is like quick silver. Which is actually mercury, a substance of amazing toxicity to just about anything that has to draw a breath. I once saw a special on TBN, Trinity Broadcasting, about the gold miners in Brasil (as they call it) and it showed in graphic detail, from start to finish, what mercury poisoning does to a human being and how believing in the Lord Jesus Christ could help those poor souls if you, meaning the viewer, would send money to Paul and his vixen wife. (What would you do with Jan's hair if you could get her into the sack?) But the main point is that there is a stage of mercury poisoning where you are walking and talking, but you're a total goof ball and a lot of what you do is totally funny to normal people who are watching, either in person or through the miracle of TV, which at one time really was miracle, but now its existence is a total yawn if you were born to parents with indoor plumbing.

Anyway, being 'cool' is fleeting. I had a grasp on it, not once, not twice, but three times. One thing all three fleeting moments of coolness had was I wasn't married, engaged or even seriously involved with a female. I'm not saying that you can't be cool and married at the same time, I'm just saying I've never really seen it done. Brad Pitt was not 'cool' when he was married to what's-her-name and then started messing around with what's-her-name.

Here's the story of my first episode of coolness, which lasted maybe three hours. I was put on a plane in Mexico City, still a 'set apart' Mormon Missionary. The Vietnam war was raging and the timing of my release from the Mission Field was purposely designed to get me enrolled at BYU within a day so that I went immediately from a 4D to a 2S draft status. So I flew to LA and then onto Salt Lake City, where I was picked up and taken to the Admin Building at BYU where I was registered for classes. This was called Mid-Term Enrollment. It just happened to be a Friday. I left the Admin Building and was told to report to the MTC (Missionary Training Center) where they'd bunk me for the night. I checked in, and then went out to wander the campus. There was a dance at the student union. I showed up and found a guy who'd left my Mission field a few months earlier. He had a date. He and I brought each other up to date. His date quickly glommed onto the fact that I was 'still' a Missionary. Meaning I couldn't dance, I could kiss, neck, pet, hump, or in any way, shape or form act like a normal 21 year old. So she started calling out to her friends and they called out their friends and all these young, fresh, firm, desirable Mormon girls started hitting on me. Because they knew they weren't supposed to. So they were practicing all their comely wiles on me, knowing that I wasn't supposed to do anything about it. And I remember thinking, "How cool is this?" I knew that if I tried to flirt back, they would think me uncool and the magic would be gone. So in response to their flirting, I would offer to pray with them. It was totally cool.

Which proves a very important point: Coolness is relative.

Another important point: I either didn't know the girl's name or I was seriously involved. There was never a middle ground. I like to think that this sort of set me apart from the other guys.