Advice for the 21st Century

Honest truth, I no longer open fortune cookies at Chinese restaurants or buffets. It's a Lazthiest thing and it's okay if you don't understand...

But from past experience I am aware of what people go through when they read their 'fortunes.' And of course the Simpson's had an episode in which Homer took to writing these short, pithy essays. I remember that Woody Allen was among the group of writers whom Homer helped learn to write better 'fortunes.'

I was thumbing through the latest Readers' Digest this morning and noted that they had a humor piece dedicated to the notion that fortune cookie fortunes needed to be brought into the 21st century. Although it doesn't matter to me either way, I am always a proponent for progress, as well as fewer brassieres.

So I throw this out to you: write some 21st century fortune cookie fortunes. Sever your ties to the past and get with our modern age. Here are some that I came up with.

You will receive a text message from a stranger asking for money.

Your video Ipod will screen freeze with an ugly man's face leering at you.

Restless Leg Syndrome will strike someone close to you and you will have bruised calves.

A relative will win a lottery, move out of state and never speak to you again.

There will be a product recall that will make you weep.

You will be flipped the bird but your head will be so far up your ass you won't notice.

Someone close to you will max out his credit cards trying to find love, but will end up joining the Coast Guard.

You will have an orgasm so powerful that it will recharge all the batteries within 50 feet.

You will go to a party, get drunk, and wake up in alone in your own bed. Two months later your spouse will call you from Tonga to ask you to forward the mail.