Laztheists and the Grim Reaper

First, "Grim Reaper" is false advertising. There's no entity out there traveling the Earth killing people or arranging their deaths. Yes, the Grim Reaper is a funny character on the Family Guy, but that's just a cartoon! Stop anthropomorphizing a natural process!

"Death" should never be used as a noun. Maybe a predicate nominative, but it should never be the subject in a sentence. "Death came today for little Malachi Hooper Enndicott, IV..." Bullcrap! The poor little kid, trapped in a well for 37 days, didn't die because "Death" came for him; he died because someone mistakenly lowered a PBJ down the well, not knowing he had a severe peanut allergy!

If I can teach you one thing, let this not be it because I have another thing, much more important, in terms of language usage, which ought to the one thing. But you're not ready yet...

So back to the topic: Gee, Mr. Bananas, you ask, "What should I think of death?" And I answer, "Think of death as something you'll never understand, if you have to think about it at all." And you may quote me.

For this is the Laztheist's way. If you are a realist, you will have admitted to yourself that there are things you'll never understand. Like why Rayetta Kay Kanel picked a virtual total stranger to whom to lose her virginity when I was there, plus I would have taken her to dinner first! You know you've had equally inexplicable things like this happen in your own lives. Most of us have unanswered/unanswerable questions up the wazoo. Like why does wazoo mean your rectum?

Naturally "religion" sprang up to offer answers to this unanswerable questions. Where there's a demand, you'll soon find people marketing to that demand. And when "religion" seduces you completely, you sit still for, "...God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform." Along with "It was God's Will" or "Jesus called him home." Yes, I know it fulfills a need and I'm sensitive to that need and would never have this discussion at a funeral.

The strength and genius of Laztheism is that it rejects this supposed 'need' to ask questions. And if you never ask the question, you can't lack for an answer. But you point out that it's in Man's nature to ask questions and you cite that this is the second thing that children verbalize when they first learn to talk, right after, "feed me/I've pooped." (The alimentary canal, beginning at one end with the mouth, and ending at the other, with Uranus, exists "outside" the body, just like a donut hole; you get a doughnut hole one with each donut you buy, but it's not part of the donut. That's right, you are a freakin' toroid. It is theoretically possible to pass a thin, very flexible steel strand from your mouth, down your gullet, through your stomach, large and small intestines and then out Uranus, so that you be be hung out to dry, like a fish on a string. Can you visualize this? A guy will be doing this on Jackass next year...)

But when a kid is asking his interminable list of questions, what's the reaction of the adult? We grow fatigued and impatient, mostly because we know that little, if any, of the information we impart in our answers makes sense to the kid or is being remembered by the kid. We either know from a potent education and thoughtful meditation, or intuit it based on experience, that Life is all about what science calls "The Ego." Kids aren't into learning, they're into manipulation for their own benefit. When they get older they become you and me, us, and thus more charming and sophisticated. The methodologies change but not the goal; the means change, but the ends are the same.

So back to death: It's a killer. Avoid it all costs. Woody Allen, who is related to Grammiekins, said it very well: "I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." And to this day that is how Woody is living his life.

Laztheists know we are going to die. Faced with this certainty we do our best to arrange things so that when it happens, we'll be grateful. How you do this is up to you, but it's the logical, Laztheist way.