I'm getting calls...

Yes, I'm getting calls and emails from all over a grateful (great full? Boy, that takes me back to the magic of a first date...) nation. People are needing, hungering for information from me for use in their upcoming political decision making.

I've tried to remain a loofa (Hey, I've got your back!), but the din is exceeding and so I shall cave in to the demands.

If you are Republican, you should vote for the Democrat you least want in the White House. This holds true for Democrats, you should vote for the Republican you least want in the White House. Notice that I did not mention 'candidate.' That was intentional. Meaning, of course, that George W. 'Bushie/Shrub' Bush will win by a landslide because of Bill Clinton and Al Gore splitting the Republican vote. That being the case, the entire election will be turned over the the College of Cardinals, often referred to as the Electoral College.

Because the popular vote has the current, ineligible President receiving the most votes, all the delegates pledged to him will be set free to vote for whomever they damn well please. Ebay will be flooded with Electoral College delegates auctioning off their votes. And when the dust settles, the new American President will the one with the best financing, which will involve taking delivery now and making payments over the next four years.

I have no idea who the President will end up being, but I have faith, and so should you, in the American dream and corporate greed, the two-sided coin we're all devoted to.

Now go, Grasshopper, and be at peace.

All the News that's poop to print

I have to tread carefully here, because to a handful of people the basic set of facts from which this post grows constitutes a tragedy. Not to mention that I don't want to violate the Primal Precept of the internet, never prevaricate, not even if sex is involved.

So first, the basic set of facts, as lifted from irrefutable sources, Drudge, my local paper and my joi de vivre:

"A Florida Highway Patrol spokesperson announced that five young men are dead after a car they were riding in crashed after traveling off an airport runway. According to preliminary FHP investigation, a 2008 gray BMW with 5 male occupants, ages 18 to 20, was traveling at a high rate of speed, reached the end of the airstrip, which terminates with an embankment. and then "flew" (it must have seemed to them, for that brief interlude, that they were flying) 200 feet before coming gracelessly into contact with that big globe called the Earth, but missing any hint of the three-quarters of the Earth's surface covered with water, colliding instead with dirt."

I'm guessing that it is very possible that "alcohol was involved."

Further on in one of the stories I read, it said, and I quote: "BMW engineers recovered the cockpit voice recorder. The last two seconds of the recording captured three 'Oh shits,' one 'Mommieeee!' and a 'Wheeeee!'"

A release from Darwin Awards.org read in part: "Hey, the year is young. Who knows, these guys might not even merit an honorable mention."

A spokesman for the Church of Scientology, which was contacted because John 'I've been eclipsed by that little runt' Travolota lives in this 'fly-in' community, would only say that the Church is investigating rumors that Thetans bought beer for these underage kids.

The only Absolute: There are No Absolutes, except...

Except for one, and it really pisses people off when it comes up during discussions: Death.

Yep, I am of the opinion that death is the absolute end to being alive. If I'm wrong, I apologize now. If I'm correct, you owe five bucks after I die. Other than that, I love taking the "con" side in discussions about absolute moral truths.

I was reminded of this when I read an editorial in our little 30,000 circulation local paper. A local citizen was responding to a letter written by a 'moral relativist.' And boy, was this respondent indignant! At one point, today's letter writer accused the moral relativist of being 'capable' of believing the 9/11 plane crashers had a valid moral POV that made their actions 'the right thing to do.'

As Rocky Balboa often said, "I coon believe it..." Because of course the 9/11 participants thought they were doing something morally correct. It boggled my mind that today's indignant writer couldn't comprehend that.

That kind of absolutism is dangerous. Maybe not to the individual, but Mankind probably suffers. But I understand the thrill of embracing certin moral absolute truths. "Knowing" you're absolutely right is way heady stuff; it's an intoxicant with no hangover for the individual, for the most part. Not to mention the banishment of what we herd animals may hate the most, not being part of a group. Moo.

If only Herdism didn't come with the inescapable corollary that one believe one's Herd is better than any other Herd.

Global Warming Freaks, pay attention!

I have an opinion about "Global Warming." But I'm not vain enough to suppose that what I think matters to anyone but me and people who think kissing up to me is of some advantage. (It's not, but don't tell them.)

But I know a fact about "Global Warming" that as far as I'm aware, no one else has thought of... And when it comes to this issue, facts are few, and their relationship to the total picture is often disputable.

The phenomena of "Global Warming" did not exist prior to the foundation of R. L. Hubbard's paean to egocentricity, The Church of Scientology. You can watch the growth of Scientology and the world's temperature rise in tandem.

I blame it on Scientology's ability to 'clear' their adherent's brains/minds of those pesky Thetans. Free of their docile existence within the cozy comfort of a human brain, the Thetans are in a frenzy to find new abodes. And they're probably in a frenzy to do so and the competition is probably frenzied! And as your high school physics class taught you, "frenzy" = heat.

See? When you take a step back and practice objectivity, uncertainties can come into sharp focus and become realities.

You're welcome.

When 'throw away' lines come back to haunt you.

My fertile mind comes up, spontaneously, with comments that when I say or type them are the first time I'm seeing them. Since I'm me and not someone else, I use my own personal standards by which to judge them, and usually find them hugely entertaining. I've become, to probably quote El Pistolero, one of my biggest fans.

The other day I spontaneously combusted this sentence: "I drink beer and piss ethanol." Succinct, pithy, etc., I loved it and held onto to it for way longer than my usual attention span, and then released it back into the wild. (Like many males, I practice 'catch & release.')

But now it's haunting me.

See, I'm beginning to believe that I was inspired by forces beyond my understanding to come up with that sentence (could a mortal man have otherwise created it?) because it was meant to be a sign post to a new and vibrant future for mankind. And what's good for mankind is often good for womankind! So, see, potentially no losers! (or as they used to say on AOL's Bookshelf, no gay loosers...)

Viewed objectively and scientifically, human excrement, both liquid and solid, and the occasionally uncomfortable semi-solid, just has to be an organic wonderland. And right now it's going to waste (to coin a phrase).

But what if, literally, when I drank beer, or any other H2O based liquid, my piss did turn into ethanol? Oh, sure not at the "tap" but somewhere further down stream? Oh wonderous day!
And the same for the other "tap" and its products. Oh odorous day!

Sure, you're all squeamish and gagging, but the organics are there, ripe for the harvest! Our own excrement could make us energy independent. We could figuratively poop on the Terrorists and win the day!

So next time you're pooping or peeing, give a thought to what a waste it is, okay?

Remember when?

Remember when Gore Vidal said, "Whenever one of my friends enjoys even a moderate success I die a little."

Whether we want to admit it or not, most of us fall into this category. I'm luckier than most of you in this regard since I have such few friends, and we work hard and keeping our successes from being visible. (Thank ghawd for pants!)


Remember when, in 1952, you could wear an "I Like Ike" button to school and get beaten up by Democratic bulies, thus forever cementing your place on the Right?

It's hard for me to admit this, but there were probably Republican bullies who created life-long Democratics via this very same tactic. How many of our ingrained habits exist simply because we wanted to be different from some particular person?


Remember when you were innocent and hadn't seen the private parts of a member of the sex you were attracted to that you weren't related to? As an only child I can only imagine what it would have been to grow up with sisters. No, don't tell me! Leave me with my dreams...

I finally got "tagged" !!

It was in the shower this morning. It was wonderful. I hope to get "tagged" again very soon. There was no mention of passing it on, so I shan't. There's no need, really. You're all very capable of "tagging" yourselves.

Where else have I "tagged" myself besides in the shower? C'mon, grow up!

The question reminds me of that new program which is nothing more than Truth or Dare without the Dare option. Hooked up to a lie detector and being asked EXTREMELY personal questions in front of people you'd like to think of as being loved ones.

From the previews I can only see this as getting far, far more intrusive and destructive. In the previews they asked a man, "Do you see yourself still married to your wife in five years?" And remember, this is on-camera, while a lie detector is doing it's best to suss out your every prevarication. How can anyone go on the program who has a dirty little secret? And of course, if you DON'T have a dirty little secret, they don't want you!

Can you imagine (c'mon, imagine with me!) what questions they're going to get to as the season rolls along? Here's three for guys that just rolled off my brainiwac assembly line:

1. Would you want Britney Spears tied naked to a folding leaf table on her back or on her stomach and would you leave her alive when you were done with her?

2. If you could drink beer and piss ethanol, would you fill your tank in public?

3. Could you get in shape if your life depended on it?

Okay, the last one isn't fair, because if you answered no, we'd all understand.

Champagne Promises

In a blast of insight comparable to figuring out during a game of gin with my grandfather that HE was the one who farted, not me, I have realized that the words "Campaign" and "Champagne" are, within the context of the Presidential Elections, interchangeable.

You're welcome.

Why it's good to be a Dictator

A lot of U.S. Presidents have played golf, but only three United States Presidents have made a hole in one: Eisenhower, Richard Nixon & Gerald Ford. I've been playing, hard, since 1984 and I have one hole in one.

North Korean President/Dictator for life Kim Jong Il watched some televised golf soon after Tiger Woods became a media draw and liked what he saw. So he ordered a golf course built and acquired golf clubs. He played his first and last round of golf EVER on October 11, 1999 and North Korean news outlets dutifully broadcast the fact that he had 11 holes in one during that 18 hole round. Not one story deviated from lauding and praising Kim Jong Il's skill and acumen. In all of North Korea not one word of doubt was uttered. Not one blog questioned the feat.

The golf course was then turned back into a Peoples' Park for the Greater Glory of Communist Way, and there's a plaque at the entrance to the park commemorating his feat. Here in the USA, every single golf score Bill Clinton ever posted was analyzed and questioned by a heartless combination of right wing media/blog writers. How Bill must have envied Kim Jong Il.

Hillary Topless on new poles!

Which is what I THOUGHT! the headline said. And my mind reeled as I wondered if anyone would give her any money, or would her feelings get hurt again. And I wondered if she was really spry enough to give us a good pole dance. An imagination is not always a good thing, because I was breaking out in a cold sweat and feeling a wee bit nauseous...

But then I reread it, reading for comprehension this time, and the headline turned out to be Hillary Topples in new polls. The polls that showed her losing to JFO (John Fitzgerald Obama) in New Hampshire.

You know why the polls were wrong? Me either. But here's what I tell pollsters who call me to ask my opinion about why the polls were wrong: It was the Goody Two Shoes syndrome.

See, the Goody Two Shoes people don't want anyone, even pollsters, to think ill of them. So when this vast Goody Two Shoes crowd was sampled, that all said they were voting for JFO, so as to be thought of as progressive and liberated. But they aren't!

When they were within the privacy of the voting booth they voted with their prejudice and shot the brother down.

How about having topless shots of the candidates on the ballot? That might even things out for Obama...

The Dance: sexual expression to a beat

I think I'm the norm, when it comes to The Dance: High school was pretty much it.

I rarely think about it, but when I do, I can easily conjure up memories (real ones!) about all the dancing I did in high school. We had weekly 'sock-hops' in the gym and then there were the de rigueur seasonal dances. Junior year was good, but my senior year was top drawer, because I got asked out to the Sadie Hawkins Dance, by Linda Sharp! Schweet!

Anyway, I spent my 'dancing career' dancing to top 40 songs of the 1960s.

And now I feel cheated. Oh, sure, we had some great rock 'n roll and some wonderful slow dancing music, don't get me wrong. But now I'll probably go the rest of my life never dancing- in public -to all those great songs of the 80s, 90s and now. (Notice how I left the 70s out? I shouldn't have. I just had a sudden rush of memories about doing some 'dirty bumping' to disco... So there is a shameful side to sexual expression to a beat.)

Remember all the yearning that would build up prior to a dance and then you'd go pick up your date and there was some boobage showing and your loins would start their slow twist (which growing Mormon ended with me twisting in the wind, and not the Chubby Checkers kind of twisting) and then there'd be a killer ballad and you'd hold her in your arms and sing (off-key) into her delicate shell-like ear, trying to let her know, through the huskiness you imparted to your voice, that she was the most desirable woman there... And her thighs would brush yours and you'd wonder what she was thinking about the banana in your pocket...

Dancing at weddings (why don't we dance at funerals?) with someone you've watched delivering your offspring somehow just isn't the same, yearnings-wise. So I guess it's just an instance of a part of your youth you can never recapture, except in a blog.

Ladies, was there ever a guy who did sing on key into your delicate shell-like ear?

He's gone, green.

Why the comma, you ask? Sure, you're familiar with the concept of people going green, but there is a new surge building, that when it crests will forever change the landscape of the landscape. So in addition to people going green, people will start going, green.

Yep, within your lifetime it will come to pass that when a person dies, once the paperwork is done, the body will be wrapped up in a shroud (NFL shrouds will be popular) and taken to a dump or an approved 'recycling' center, where the shroud will be washed, ironed and resold. Humans will finally be free of the conceit that a dead human body is worthy of attention beyond the need to dispose of it.

Wakes and funerals will go the way of the Do-do, and Rememberceptions will become the rage, elaborately catered and themed. Funeral homes will be sold to drug rehab and unwed mothers businesses and ten years after the last body is buried in a cemetary, the land will be auctioned off for 'public use' purposes. (I was once auctioned off for pubic use purposes, and I still have the video...)

We'll all be a lot more healthy, mentally and the economy will benefit enormously, once we get over the fixation we have on spending vast sums of money on empty, useless husks.

I expect that many of you will now add a codicil to your Wills, the soon to be famous "Green Me" instruction. You'll soon be able to download it from LegalZoom.

The Lie; humanity's answer to a harsh reality.

Many, many people making a living from religion are on record as being against 'lying.' Which when you look it the situation without a bias is like being against the tide, or breathing. Lying is a function of controlling your environment, which is what being a human being is all about. Notice how "being" is a recurrent theme?

I was always impressed by what I thought of as a mature point of view in the Ten Commandments. Here is the exact (King James) wording of the ninth commandment:

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Those who practice rote religion take this as meaning Thou shalt not lie. But that's not what the clear text meaning is! Reverse the negatives:

Thou shalt bear false witness against not thy neighbor.

See? The Lord thy God is crystal clear: Take care of your neighbors, and do whatever is necessary to take advantage of those not your neighbors. So what becomes crucial isn't whether we should lie or not, but to whom we are allowed to lie, by a just and benevolent (and really With It) God.

Could you go a day (and a night) without lying? Maybe if you were really, really sick and confined to your bed. But anyone who leaves the house in the morning to walk among men - - as well as men's complimentary gender, women - - is going to tell a probably uncountable number of lies. And the Lord is cool with that, just as long as it's not to bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Just thought you'd like to know...

All Seriousness aside, what are you going to do about ...?

Jokingly, all seriousness aside, what are you going to do about the cost of Spackle?

My wife asked me this this morning, after she pushed my head through some, fortunately, thin drywall, when I confessed that I'd forgotten that it was our wedding anniversary.

At the emergency room I passed the drywall dust in my hair off as dandruff, and the three inch laceration as the result of the "itch of psoriasis. The nurse-practitioner winked at my wife and said, "yeah, we see a lot of that on anniversaries."

Yep, been married now 24 years. We got married exactly six months to the day after we met. We'd spoken on the phone a couple of times (she ran a sex chat phone line) and I really liked the way she could describe making love at the edge of a cliff, and then making me believe we'd fallen off. What a rush!

I pulled up in my 1979 Nissan 280z (I used to be a cliché [from the french, to tickle a clit]) and she was standing out in front of her office. She was a total vision in a pumpkin colored blouse and multi-colored lederhosen (from the Canadian, to straighten a hose).

I was only expecting lunch, but she coyly let it drop that she'd taken the rest of the day off, and if I had $200 in cash, she would take me to her apartment and do things to me that I didn't even know could be done. Droolingly I agreed and she gave me direction to her apartment and when we got there, she gave me a pedicure. Who knew!!

Later my car would be towed for parking in a handicap zone under construction. But it didn't matter, I was in love... And to this day, she is still ledering my hosen.

Idea for a porno...

There's this website, see, that if a female over the age of consent (12, in Utah & Mississippi) clicks on the URL when she's in the ovulation-phase of her menses, she ends up pregnant.

I don't exactly know how to get the requisite porno scenes/positions into the film, but the premise is a sure fire winner, reaching out as it does to the X, Y & P generations, marrying sex and the cyber arts.

The P Generation? It's shorthand for "baby boomers"... The P stands for prostate.

The Iowa Cacas...

The implication offered by the title is lost on those without at least rudimentary Spanish. Or maybe it's a case of national slang? Maybe only people from Mexico would know that when you say you have to go to the bathroom, it's either to go p-p or caca.

About the Iowa Cacas: There are more people living in just Orange County, CA than live in all of Iowa. And of all those living in Iowa, what tiny percentage do you think will take advantage of the free baby sitting and free snow removal to attend a local cacas? (I hope there is at least one couple who takes up some candidate's offer of free baby-sitting and then just goes to dinner and a movie...)

I don't fault the system, after all, it simply evolved to meet a need, much like the male penis. Think of all the problems caused by the male penis, almost all of which could be avoided if women didn't have hootchie-coos. (I can't bring myself to type the monologue word, fearing, like those afraid of Lord Voldemort, that saying its name might conjure the beast!)

So am I saying that our system for selecting Presidential candidates is like sex? Well, yeah! Everything is like/about sex. And as with actual sex, things often get sick and twisted. Uh-huh... You know who you are.

2008: An ordinary year

While it does have some cachet in its Leap-Yearedness, 2008 is an ordinary year. At least when you compare it to prime years. Remember when you were 17? Now that was a prime year, eh?

So let's all enjoy 2008 in it plodding ordinary leap-yearedness. Have fun, take care of yourself, and do what you need to do to get ready for 2009, which is a Prime Year, divisible only by 1 and itself.

If I were prone to making things up for religious purposes, I would foment a rumor that bible scholars all agree that the Second Coming of Jesus will be on a prime day of a prime year. I'd tell people that 2009 has 365 days and all you have to do is identify the prime numbers between 1 and 365 and you'd have a leg up on everyone else on which day during 2009 Jesus would be returning.

Remember, you heard it here first.