See Dick Vote

Bert Bananas is to politics what Ann Coulter is to sexual massages.

Having thus theoretically placed myself way towards the “I’m a registered Whig” end of the political spectrum, you may safely take any political discussion from me as endearingly sweet and innocent.

I asked myself, “How would you explain U.S. politics to kids under the age of 8?” But I wasn’t paying attention and my response was, “Huh?” So I repeated the question. My response was, “Let me get back to you on that.” So this is me getting back to myself. Please gather round; the more nubile of you can sit on my lap and yer 'ol Uncle Bert will gently fondle your intellects while helping you understand American national politics.

Okay, you know how your parents, or one parent, a step-parent and the non-custodial parent, or one parent and a succession of live-in friends, are always talking about how to raise you and what to spend on you, especially when you tell them you want a cell phone or a better iPod? Well, that's basically what national politics is all about.

Republicans and Democrats are the ones trying to bring up America. They would both pinkie-swear that they each want what’s best for America. But just like your mom and dad argued about whether your older sister could wear make-up when she started Middle School, Republicans and Democrats argue about whether America should buy every head of household a Blackberry so that he or she can receive Amber Alerts.

Basically speaking, kids, Democrats want government to smother Americans with love and support, while Republicans want government to be remote and standoffish, hoping that Americans will figure things out for themselves.

But it’s like when your dad had his NY Yankees shirt on and Uncle Rick came over to the house wearing his Boston Red Sox shirt and their initial friendly jibes soon (a 6-pack later) ended up in a drunken boxing match out by the barbecue. You couldn’t figure out how two people who supposedly love and respect each other could end up fighting over baseball teams! Well, it’s the same way with politics. It’s just one of those things that cannot be logically explained: two otherwise sane and responsible people can end up screaming the vilest imprecations at each other based on their respective opinions regarding welfare, or tax cuts, or Iraq, or windfall oil taxes or Wal*Mart. Kids, however long this list of things the two parties fight over is today, it'll be longer next month.

And the time will come when you will be expected to chose a side. Your basic personality has already been formed and most of you will chose to wear a Blue shirt or Red shirt and you’ll learn to spout jargon and hurl invective with the best of them. The combination of Nature & Nurture will have it’s inevitable way with you.

But the honest truth, kids, is that politics is like Christmas: Whether or not you believe in Santa Claus, you’re still going to get presents, some you like and some you don’t. It’s the same with politics. If you never, ever register to vote, and never, ever form a political opinion, you will still have a President who does things you approve of and things you don't.

Now get off my lap and don't mention to your mom that we had this chat.