A Cry for Democracy!!!

But not from me...

54% of California likely voters contacted by the LA Times told the pollsters that they would vote to amend the CA Constitution to make "marriage" a legal contract that only 1 man could enter into with 1 woman.

I am certain that 92% of Alabama likely voters contacted by the KluKluxKlan Daily Bugle in September and October of 1957 would have voted to continue segregation at Little Rock High School.

The Will of the People is not necessarily the right path to follow. Which is why the Founders made this a Republic. Whew!

And most certainly, as the Islamo-facists keep making evident, when the People think they are doing Ghawd's Will, well...

It really confounds me that the right of people to believe in Santa Claus is more real to these anti-gay marriage people than the right of two people to make the ultimate sacrifice to their love for one another.

What Monica's Boy Friend Did...

So I did finish the book. It boils down to the young man telling off (finally) the POTUS and resigning and then kicking the girl friend. He felt bad when, just before kicking her out, he found out that not only was this fictional POTUS cheating on his wife, he was cheating on the girl friend! So he got to rub that in.

But naturally he was miserable without her. He went maybe 4 months without a word passing between them. And then they bumped into each other and she apologized for being so stupid as to fall in love with star-phuquing, and she begged to be forgiven. Naturally he forgave her since not to would hurt him as much as her.

So this author, according to the book jacket, worked in the Clinton administration, as did his wife. I guess maybe he forgave her, too.

What if Monica Lewinski had had a boy friend?

I'm reading a book I bought for 50¢ at the local library. (Buying cheap books at the library saves me from having to pay late fees. Clever, aren't I?) The basic premise is that an idealistic young couple meet while working on a presidential campaign. They fall in love. Their candidate wins!! They get jobs in the new administration. His job is as a speech writer. Her job is in the social office. He gets 'face time' with the President, she doesn't. The POTUS doesn't even really know she exists...

Until he gets invited to a White House function and she goes with him. By this time they've bought a condo together and are madly and satisfyingly in love. At the WH function, the POTUS gets an eyeful of the young lady and his alpha male testosterone kicks in and his flirtation quickly leads to sex with her. The young man is clueless for a couple of months and then finally it all falls into place and know he knows why he hasn't been able to get hats to fit on his head.

I reached this part of the book just one-third of the way in. And I'm wondering why there's so much more to read, unless it's all about his revenge. Not that I'm a fan of revenge when it comes to losing at love. But I understand it happens.

Nope, it's not about revenge. It's about what happens as the guy tries to live with the fact that his boss is screwing his girlfriend! So I ask my wife, "If I were working for the POTUS and we were at a social function and the POTUS hit on you, would you wind up sleeping with him?" She said no. Then I asked, "If you did sleep with him, what would you expect me to do if I found out?" She says, "You'd leave me and tell me not to expect a letter of recommendation."

So I threw the book across the room in the vague direction of a waste basket.

See, my wife and I know the truth about love: "Even though you could probably do better, the time comes to settle."

Alpha males have to boink to prove they're alpha males. I don't know what to call the females who are sought after and yield to the alpha males, I mean besides the obvious, 'good looking.' Poor things...

But you do see the problem that the fictional boy friend of Monica Lewinski would have had, right? I'm going to finish the book to see how the author handles it. But I'm sure it's nothing like the way I would have handled it.

A Bananas Peace Plan !!

Competition is, generally speaking, a healthy thing. But when the porn industry boosted VHG into a competitive win over BetaMax, it wasn't healthy for BetaMax. The exact same thing appears to have happened with BlueRay, again thanks to the porn industry. Or so I'd like to believe, because it could create a new aphorism: Porn conquers all!

Most of you are aware that RIM markets the Blackberry line of smart phones. They are now in brutal competition with Apple's iPhone. Rather than wait for the porn industry to again decide a winner, I am ready to broker a peace plan. (My piece plan for the porn industry is still on the drawing board.)

Here is my idea: The iBerry !!! RIM & Apple merge, we get a line of iBerry phones and they take over the world. The porn industry is left holding its ...

And what's in it for me? A place in history!

You're welcome.

62% of a sampling of British adults (which means no soccer fans were polled) say that God, or as those in the know call ‘it,’ Ghawd, is a male.

I have never read any religious tracts on just how male Ghawd is. If people were to work with the image gained from the Old Testament, I would have to suppose that that particular male image would be a total stud, a headliner with television wrestling. What a voice that dude would have! God Smack...

The image called up by the New Testament Ghawd, the J-man, might have fit in with the Friends ensemble, or maybe, if His jewishness were not hidden, He could have been Kramer’s roommate on Seinfeld.

If the British sampling were Muslims, I don't think we'd see or hear much of that Ghawd. He’d be all kurta shirted and dishdashaed, with a big Saudi egal and He’d be busy praising Himself, “Me-akbar, Me-akbar!” Plus He'd drink when He visited the Continent...

Here, as a public service, I've illustrated three popular items of Muslim attire. I'm only sorry that I can't tell you for sure that any of these are made from muslin.

I've seen, and admired, the dishdasha and the kurta shirt on one of my favorite tv shows, Aliens in America. If I thought I could golf in them, I'd get me some. But all the places I play require collared shirts. As if Jesus, at the 2nd Coming, is going to be wearing a collared shirt. He is more likely to be outfitted in a chic salwar kameez!

I’ve never thought about Ghawd's body type, because ‘what if…?’ has never been a game I enjoyed playing. But if we're going to play that game and say that Ghawd is a male, made in the human format, the question soon arises, how long could He keep it up? I asked my wife this question and she got a big smile on her face and said, “For all eternity!!” So I may have inadvertently given her a reason to start going to church. Those interested in Salvation will seek it in their own ways and for their own reasons.

How would the Guv Answer this question?

The way the three lines of panels were laid out in today's comic section allowed these four panels to be excised so that they stand alone to ask today's important question. Isn't it amazing that because of the existence of the internet I am able to see this mundane bit of literature as something that's part of a bigger picture? "Amazing" is hardly the word!

I'm coming out of the Closet . . .

I'm sure it will come as no surprise that Laztheism, as practiced by the Missouri Synod of Laztheists of the Northern Hemisphere-But Not Alaska (MSLNHBNA), condones marriage between any two people who can sign their names, or make a mark or blink once for yes and twice for no.

Furthermore, the MSLNHBNA condones marriage between any number of people, but only up to a single digit total. Meaning a maximum of 9. This means that 1 person can marry himself. It also means 0 people could marry, but it would have to be in another dimension, per the 9 sacred principles of the String Theory. If Ghawd (who may or may not exist; the MSLNHBNA is prohibited from exploring this issue) wanted more than 9 people to be married together at one time, he would have had us count in hexidecimal.

And so the MSLNHBNA congratulates the California Supreme Court on its landmark decision to fatten the coffers of wedding planners, cruise ships and divorce attorneys. And to those wackos (Yes, wackos! And you know who you are by the pin-wheeling eyes and spittle flying out from under your noses that you see when you look in a mirror) who are now totally flying off your religious handles (Breaker-Breaker, this is Voice of the Lord, can I get a come back?) I hope you all choke on your piety. Piety in the face...

Why on Earth would Ghawd care if gays marry? If it didn't get to Him that 20 million Soviet citizens were exterminated between 1918 & 1946, if it doesn't bother him that 1,200 Congolese men, women & children die seven days a week (dating back to -you have to start somewhere - Patrice Lumumba's assassination in 1961 to the present -- do the math!), and I can go on and on and on and finally even get to all that horrible suffering caused by Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans (Oh the Humanity!!). If ghawd was testing you then, let Him test you again, ya big babies!

Initial forecasts are that the two sides to the issue will spend 20 million dollars in California between now and the November election, for and against the ballot initiative that will add 14 words to the California Constitution, making marriage an act permissible only to one man and one woman. It's going to be entertaining.

You think any of the Presidential hopefuls will offer an opinion?

Baby Sitting outside my species

Our next door neighbors got married last Saturday. At the reception they sat down across from us as we were eating and asked us to babysit two of their four dogs. We've done it before and really enjoy the two we get to have at our house. The couple (they'd never told us they'd been living in sin!) said that each had thought the other had already asked us.

Our dog is the negro one. (Saying it in Spanish changes the entire context...) The neighbors' dogs are Angel, the Lab, and Sheriff, the Bassett Hound. They get along just great with our dog despite the fact that our dog is negro. (They seem to know that they're all the same race; too bad many humans don't know that about their own multi-hued species.)

The doggie bed belonged to our dog, but we gave it to our neighbors as a wedding gift.

needs no title

you wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't shown you. I think the Guv writes her own verifications

The Josef Fritzl Story

The word on the street is that Miley Cyrus will play one of the basement kids in the musical, set to begin preproduction in July. The old city in Canada's Quebec will play the part of Austria.

Negotiations are still on-going with with Billy Joel to play the Monster, Josef Fritzl. A spokesman for David Hasselhoff has said that Mr. Hasselhoff would be interested in playing Fritzl. When asked about Jack Nicholson, that same spokesman said that they were looking for a fresh take on weird.

There's no denying that the producers scored a marketing coup in signing Connie Francis to play Mrs. Fritzl. Word is that there won't be a dry eye in the house when she sings the poignant "Leibling, you're a woman now."

And yes, Hollywood is buzzing with the possibility of a sequel, in which Fritzl escapes and starts fathering his own great grandchildren. Steven King is said to be already working on the screen play.

Follow the good times at TheJosefFritzlStoryRocks.com

See Dick Vote

Bert Bananas is to politics what Ann Coulter is to sexual massages.

Having thus theoretically placed myself way towards the “I’m a registered Whig” end of the political spectrum, you may safely take any political discussion from me as endearingly sweet and innocent.

I asked myself, “How would you explain U.S. politics to kids under the age of 8?” But I wasn’t paying attention and my response was, “Huh?” So I repeated the question. My response was, “Let me get back to you on that.” So this is me getting back to myself. Please gather round; the more nubile of you can sit on my lap and yer 'ol Uncle Bert will gently fondle your intellects while helping you understand American national politics.

Okay, you know how your parents, or one parent, a step-parent and the non-custodial parent, or one parent and a succession of live-in friends, are always talking about how to raise you and what to spend on you, especially when you tell them you want a cell phone or a better iPod? Well, that's basically what national politics is all about.

Republicans and Democrats are the ones trying to bring up America. They would both pinkie-swear that they each want what’s best for America. But just like your mom and dad argued about whether your older sister could wear make-up when she started Middle School, Republicans and Democrats argue about whether America should buy every head of household a Blackberry so that he or she can receive Amber Alerts.

Basically speaking, kids, Democrats want government to smother Americans with love and support, while Republicans want government to be remote and standoffish, hoping that Americans will figure things out for themselves.

But it’s like when your dad had his NY Yankees shirt on and Uncle Rick came over to the house wearing his Boston Red Sox shirt and their initial friendly jibes soon (a 6-pack later) ended up in a drunken boxing match out by the barbecue. You couldn’t figure out how two people who supposedly love and respect each other could end up fighting over baseball teams! Well, it’s the same way with politics. It’s just one of those things that cannot be logically explained: two otherwise sane and responsible people can end up screaming the vilest imprecations at each other based on their respective opinions regarding welfare, or tax cuts, or Iraq, or windfall oil taxes or Wal*Mart. Kids, however long this list of things the two parties fight over is today, it'll be longer next month.

And the time will come when you will be expected to chose a side. Your basic personality has already been formed and most of you will chose to wear a Blue shirt or Red shirt and you’ll learn to spout jargon and hurl invective with the best of them. The combination of Nature & Nurture will have it’s inevitable way with you.

But the honest truth, kids, is that politics is like Christmas: Whether or not you believe in Santa Claus, you’re still going to get presents, some you like and some you don’t. It’s the same with politics. If you never, ever register to vote, and never, ever form a political opinion, you will still have a President who does things you approve of and things you don't.

Now get off my lap and don't mention to your mom that we had this chat.

Songs that are Note Worthy

I've yet to find a song with an minor 7th chord that I didn't like.

The song, not the minor 7th chord.

I bought a program that allows me to create mp3s from anything that makes music on the internet. Like the audio of videos on YouTube. And Pandora...

I now possess an mp3 of Heart's Crazy on You with a five minute acoustic guitar intro by Nancy Wilson that sends me over the moon every time I play it.

I am slowly and steadily acquiring a music library you couldn't buy on iTunes if you wanted to.

Hey, don't waste your time hating me, just go get your own software.

Pandering v. Pandaering

The title means not a dang thing. Well, maybe a political operative could spin a link...

Laztheists, since the shambling, stumbling lurching into existence of mankind, have struggled to give verbal vent to shock & awe (Bring it on!).

Without a religion on which to base irreligious vocalizations, Laztheists can't give be profane. And there are times when F-bombs just don't cut it. You've got to let the ghawds know you're pissed!

Laztheists have fashioned a work-around. We curse our genitalia. (But we don't really mean it, of course.) Because although there may be fringe groups here and there who don't worship their own genitalia, the vast majority of right-minded people do.

Plus, it has the double edge of bringing genitalia out of the dirty back alley of whispered mutterings and making them into a clarion call of wounded pride.

Just thought you, along with Mrs. LionKing, would like to know.

Leon Boogerkhan, fiesty local correspondent

I read a letter to the editor in today's paper. The local paper, called the Valley Post Haste, has a letters to the editor section that mostly deals with issues like horse droppings in the Wal*Mart parking lot, plumber cleavage displayed by the local police, and how much prayer in school is enough to keep Satan from making the boys show their underwear.

So the letter today about the American economy being in trouble, over the signature of one Leon Boogerkhan (surely it's a nom de plume! C'mon, Lion King of boogers?) really stood out from it's compatriots.

Leon said that American wages are depressed. While prices are rising for you-name-it, wages are not, except when the minimum wage is hiked. And since taxes keep rising, along with all our costs, the standard of living is dropping for an ever increasing proportion of the population. He was especially indignant about the economic stimulus package. He commented that it's unfunded, meaning that all the government did was print more money, making each new dollar, along with the existing dollars, worth less. (Worth less is too damn close to worthless!)

In 1965 I had a summer job with the State of Nevada. If I'd have stayed on full-time, after my one year probationary period, with the hike in pay I figured I could have rented a house and gotten married. I even got engaged! It would never have worked, so it's a very, very good thing that I went on my Mission.

In 1970, during my senior year in collich (that's how it's spelled in Utah) I was making $90 a week as a broiler cook at a Mr. Steak. I was married and had a kid (Hi, Kris, Happy Birthday!) and our rent for a house out on Utah lake was $75 a month. My old but dependable '62 Buick Skylark convertible was paid for, as was my wife's '65 Ford station wagon. (If you can imagine it, SUVs didn't exist, except from some place in Bavaria.)

What happened between then and now is a blur. But it does seem that America, that beacon of hope on the mountain top, became America, the target in the cross-hairs on the mountain top. And who can blame those targeting us? Aren't they following a script written by Life Itsownself starting back with whatever Kingdom you want to nominate as the first 'known-world' power?

Whomever has something has at least one whomever-else who wants it. Sometimes the wherewithal exists so that the whomever-elses can duplicate the feat of the world power. But eventually there is conflict and somebody loses. No kingdom is forever and nobody shares and shares alike.

Leon Boogerkhan said that America, is finally showing signs of losing the battle. He said he didn't know if it's because our enemies have gotten too strong for us to resist them or because of a cultural malaise that has lowered America's ability to resist them. In either case, if it continues, we're going to be just another chapter in world history, like the Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Gauls, British, etc. (Man, it's a long, long list!)

Ol' Boogerkhan ended by saying he couldn't see America's future, but he can see certain trends that he didn't approve of. One trend he deplored was the notion that you can be 'kind' to people and thus appease them. He said there were plenty of others but didn't name any. The one I disapprove of the most is nanny-stateism. Or would that be State Nanny-ism?

But how can one resist agreeing with the observation that unless America changes, things will continue inexorably down hill. And I don't think the current election cycle will change anything that needs to be changed.

Amateur Crastination can't be compared to Procrastination

There is popular sentiment favoring the notion that there is a huge divide between the competent amateur and the true professional. Golf is an example. So is crastination. Amateur crastination is so thoroughly disregarding as a field of endeavor that only procrastination exists in our vocabularies!

What's the longest and most creatively you've put off doing something?

The pinnacle of my crastination was the loss of my virginity. I can't take all the credit; the Mormon Church helped enormously. I do remember, to my own despair, that when I finally lost my virginal status, I lamented not having had the prior experience that I might have allowed me to more favorably acquit myself. Worse, I didn't know, because of the lack of experience, just how badly I'd performed.

Innocence is not all it's cracked up to be.

Four Wheels and Funeral

I have no idea what my words are being underlined. It's a mystery to me.

And now it's disappeared! And all I
offer up a burnt offering to Micro-
Soft!

If all is going according to plan,
you are asking yourself, what do these two photos mean, not just individually, but as companions?

First, the funeral. It was Lefty's funeral. He lived in Barstow, CA. He lived there over 30 years. There was a large turn out. It was a week day, in Barstow. Barstow is like Bakersfield, but without the oil or the meth. The people are laid back and uncomplaining. I wanted so badly to take a photo of the woman who showed in in a dark blue AC/DC t-shirt. Besides the AC/DC logo, there was a line from one of their songs emblazoned across her very ample bosom. I hope it was in honor of the deceased. It was very stirring watching her walk in with "You shook me all night long" as her funeral theme. Kind of inspiring.

As for the Shelby AC Cobra, I'd kill to have one.