A Freebie for Tinseltown

Coming soon to a screen near you!

Although many may not think it rivals the creation of "Up Cheek Creek" this invention of mine should inspire at least something more than tepid laughter. At least if it's done right. I wouldn't want Tarantino or Oliver Stone trying to transfer this to film. This works best as a flash-back, because otherwise it's too fearsome because you'd wonder if the kids will survive their childhood.

Scene: a middle class neighborhood in the mid west. We can see it's well into autumn; the trees are bare and there are low clouds in the background. It looks cold. The camera moves in on one home, very ordinary looking. As the camera gets closer and closer, a family walks past the house, the kids dressed in Halloween costumes, so we know it's late afternoon on Halloween.

A mini-van veers into the driveway, off the driveway and then back on, coming to rest somewhat askew. The driver gets out. He's a late-30s everyman. He's drunk, he's staggering drunk and we see him wrestling with a grocery bag.

The scene switches and we're looking over the shoulder of a harried housewife as she's looking out the kitchen window of that house, and we see the man, who is close to her age, so we'll assume they are husband and wife, wrestling with the grocery bag and staggering towards the house.

She's joined in the kitchen by three little boys, ages 7, 5 & 3. They are halfway ready for Halloween, sharing among them an assortment of incomplete costumes, too small for the oldest boy and hanging on the three year old. Their chatter is interrupted by their father barging in the back door.

Now from this point on I'll let the script doctors and the director add their personal touches. The event that unfolds is the father announcing, in a drunken slur, that he's brought home pumpkins for the boys to carve. Even the long-suffering wife is cheered by this unexpected twist. But then he tips over the bag and cantelopes come rolling out.

The pathos is gasp-sharp, but not as sharp as the humor, as the father, somewhat aware that he's screwed up yet again, tries to convince the kids that canteloupes are just as good to carve as pumpkins. As we leave the scene the drunken father is waving a big carving knife around, canteloupe guts are starting to fly and he is handing a deadly looking steak knife to the three year old.

I see Eddie Murphy or even Bill Murray. Isn't it weird that Harrison Ford couldn't pull this off? Those of you old enough to remember a young Peter O'toole will know that he would have done it marvelously.