My First Political Interview!

This interview took place in Witchita, Kansas, perceived by the two parties to be 'neutral territory.'

The interviewer, Artie Lange, is best described as "...slow-witted, slow-footed, ...(who) enjoy(s) using (his) slow cooker. (His) mind races as fast as a narrow Alaskan stream in springtime, but (he) always forget(s) (his) fishing pole and net. Thus, (he) end(s) each day with nary a nibble of intellectual thought and no creative catch for the frying pan." But nonetheless, the thrust and parry of our conversation was breathtaking. Here now is that interview:

Artie Lange: So you would put a national tax on top of the state sales tax? This idea seems kind of regressive to me. A poor person will proportionally pay far more of their income to tax than a rich person. I'm not a "sock it to the rich" type of guy, but there needs to be some sense of fairness.”

Bert Bananas: Having no control over the taxation policies of the Several States, your conclusion is not truly accurate. My policy isn’t “put(ting) a national tax on top of the state sales tax.” The national sales tax, on foodstuffs only (that’s what comestibles are), replaces the 16th Amendment. The rich often eat more (in content and quality) than the poor, so the ‘regressive’ effect of the Federal sales tax will be closer to proportional than anything else I can think of… Or as the British would say, of which I can think.

Artie Lange: ...(W)ho are your core supporters? Unions? Bankers? Golfers? Figure you will need at least $50 million in early money just to get started. Better get some of those interest groups in line. Also, who is doing your field campaign? Even your populist message won't gain traction without local organizations.

Bert Bananas: These questions are reasonable. But they are the questions a “Politician” would expect. I am not a “Politician.” Therefore I have no real inkling on how to respond to them. All I can tell you is that no one would be more amazed than me to find my name on the ballot in November, 2008. But this thought shall neither daunt me, nor hinder me from pressing forward. How would any of the first 16 Presidents have responded to your questions? And your observation regarding my “populist message’ is premature. I am certain that many parts of my total message will NOT be popular. My biggest task is going to be to educate the populace that they cannot have EVERYTHING they want. One important part of this will be to get voting majority to agree that the Federal Government should not be expected to do more thann "establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity." And while I didn't write this, I bet I could have... And I would substituted "promote" with "encourage the general Welfare."

Artie Lange: With Regard to the Business tax, is this gross domestic income or total gross.

Bert Bananas: Total gross domestic income.

Artie Lange: Also, how do you define a business in America? If GE has a subsidiary in China that sells widgets exclusively to the Chinese does that count? Also, if Toyota makes cars in Alabama will they have to pay on domestic output or on all income?

Bert Bananas: If the GE subsidiary, in effect, a separate entity, does no business in the US, there will be no US taxes to pay. If GE, an American company, books a profit from the subsidiary on GE’s books, the federal government gets 1% of that figure. I can see what you’re concerned about. If an American company wants to fuss, bother & scheme to keep money earned on foreign territory from being booked in American territory, I’ll take a look at that evolving situation a couple of years into my administration.

Artie Lange: What is your feeling on a BTU tax? Could that work?

Bert Bananas: My initial reaction to the BTU tax has remained unchanged since I reviewed it during it's roll-out during the Clinton administration. It is truly regressive. The poor pay a much higher percentage of their income than the rich for ‘power.’ I’m also fundamentally against the rationing of power, especially through a tax designed to encourage us to use less power. Which brings me to a very fundamental plank (maybe even a joist!): The use of fossil fuels to produce electricity needs to be abandoned. I’m fine with gasoline, but not with burning coal or natural gas to produce power. I will pour a lot of money into fusion research and will do what I can to facilitate research into and production of mechanisms for turning solar, hydro and wind power into electricity. My ultimate goal is to bring the cost of ‘clean’ power down to a negligible percentage of even poverty-level incomes. The cheaper electricity becomes, the more money people will have to spend on goods and services; the more money that goes around, the more money will come around.

Artie Lange: I'm with you, Bert, but we have to get to work!”

Bert Bananas: Work?


In a side note, the future First Lady, Liz Bananas, went to the hospital on Friday and early Saturday morning she was delivered of a beautiful, unhealthy 0.8 ounce appendix. She and the appendix are resting comfortably at the hospital and I will bring one of them home tomorrow.