Today's post was suggested by yesterday's arrival of the season's first Christmas Card. I didn't recognize the return address. And since it didn't include one of those oft-maligned "Our Family Bring-You-Up To Date" letter, opening the card offered no further enlightenment. So I asked my wife. She informed who it was from. She's such a fountain of arcane knowledge.
Now then... What if I were in charge of the Christmas card list? I'd send out cards like this:
"Well, Christmas is here again. It's nuts at the Post Office. But I slouched on down to buy stamps. One of which is was on the envelope you just opened. When you start to add up the time and expense involved in sending you this card (which constitutes the one and only moment I'll think of you and that annoying kid of yours in 2006) you have to wonder what's happened to common sense in our culture. Ho ho ho. With remote, detached affection, Bert."
"Thanks for being such a nice person. I see you every day at the office and you already know I like you. I'll probably be saying 'Merry Christmas' to you at least five times before Christmas Day gets here... Which begs the question: Why send you this card? Hell if I know. Stupid knee-jerk reaction to supposed Cultural imperatives, I guess. Logic certainly isn't involved. Anyway, Merry Christmas. Your friend, Bert."
"Hey. How's it going? We had some great times together in college. We were as close to inseparable as two humans can be without being conjoined. Hard to believe that was a mere 16 years ago. It's just as hard to believe that I haven't seen you since our ten year reunion. Could you tell that I hated your wife? What were you thinking? knowing you like I do, you won't ever admit what a mistake that was. But just remember, Pam and I are here for you if you ever see the light. Try to have a good Christmas. Your once best friend, Bertie."
"I try not to dwell on how long you've been a canker on the butt of my life. Sometimes when I see you I want to heave. But because you occupy the position you do and I occupy the position I do, I can't let you know that. And so I take this Happy Holiday season to send you this personal note of fear and loathing. I would take it as a personal favor from God if your compassion genes were activated and you became something other than a remorseless human being. Otherwise, I hope you get cancer for Christmas. Loath, an anonymous vassal."
See how easy it is? Got one to contribute? Of course this attitude is probably more a 'guy' thing, so my faithful readers may not be in tune with this post... And it is women who are in charge of culture.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
"I am only sending out Christmas cards because my mother says it is the thing to do. I bow to her pressure. But I refuse to pay $25 for four cards so I made this one and we will call it a quaint handmade creation that you may feel free to toss as soon as you get it (or magnatize it to your frig if you are silly enough to find it precious.) In celebration of dead trees, Merry Christmas."
Post a Comment