Okay, the last part was a cheap shot at governments and other deficit spenders. Sorry.
Today's lecture only applies to a narrow class of people, those who are living within their incomes. The rest of us need not listen as this will not be on the final exam.
Take your monthly net income. By 'net' I mean the actual money that you get to deposit in your checking account or mattress. Forget about saving money; this is a recession, so saving money is actually a bad thing, but retirement funding that you've already set in place is okay, because the odds are the worth of that account is depreciating, so it's not technically savings, for now.
You take the figure that is your monthly net income and you pay your mortgage/rent/utilities and allocate the necessary money for comestibles, because them's good eatens, you betcha! So now you're protected from the elements, you're warm, can watch TV and flush the toilet, and starvation is forestalled! Yowza, you're in the top 98 percentile in terms of humans who think being alive is an attractive option!
Is there any money left over? I sure hope so, because the odds are you have to travel places to make sure there's money in the back for next month. And even an MTA pass costs something.
If no, click on comments and say something that demeans me as a human being; you've obviously got plenty of time, unless you've got hitch-hiking down pat as a dependable transportation alternative.
If you have transportation money, or are trading sex for transportation, keep reading:
Now it gets tricky. Are you really satisfied with just riding out the recession? Or do you want to be part of the solution to this recession? Do you want to go down in history as being part of the problem or part of the solution? What's that? I can't heeeaaar you... Louder. LOUDER!
All right, that's the spirit! Together we can tame this beast!! You and me!!
Here's what you need to do, you need to read my 32 page pamphlet which holds the key to ending personal recession. (mine, anyway...) Purchase a money order for $14.95 and make it out to me. Enclose it in an envelope addressed to Bert Bananas, General Delivery, Earth. Include your address and let me know:
1. are you right handed or left handed?
2. is your mother still alive and if so, does she fool around?
3. are you allergic to water?
Once your money order has been cashed I will send you my pamphlet which contains all the information you need on how best to spend your surplus income so that the current economic doldrums will recede. We're going to all pitch in to recede ourselves from this recession. (Please, if you have a lisp, just hum along with the rest of us)
This message has been approved by the Vatican Council and Major League Baseball. Or as the Latins would say, if there were Latins who spoke High Latin, "Dunc, dunc, guhz."
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4 comments:
Having money is a sucker's bet. Incidentally, so was the 5-2-3 exacta in the 4th race.
Hindsight's 20/20, but my sight won't be once the mob takes my left eye.
Will this also remove the curse I have paid my life savings to Queen Vatoosha remove, but hasn't worked?
Pretty darn intelligent thinking for a guy that paints house numbers on sidewalks! Gosh I'm impressed! I agree that the best thing is to receded ourselves from this recession/(depression that's coming). I too was not alive in the depression, but having studied economics I see the same signs here that were there -- staggering inflation, the blatant disregard by the government for same, the printing of money to cover the problem, hedging of the stock market by those with ideas but no money...whew.
Meanwhile, I have done my calculations according to your formula and find that I am in the 98%, I have no retirement account because what's left over at the end of the bills pays for the MTA pass, and a couple of movies. A recent article states that the younger generation puts Latte's and French Manicures in their NEEDS column. Guess I'm old fashioned, all I need is warmth, food, and a flushable toilet. We don't have cable, cell phones, or Corvettes. We're paying down the mortgage at twice the payment amount (thankfully we can afford that) so we are going to be homeowners and not bank-owers when the bottom falls out. Suze Orman had a great article about paying that stupid stimulus check to yourself - pay down an 18% credit card, don't stimulate the government, after all, they borrowed that stimulus money from China, and are going to have to give them California and Hawaii to pay back the debt...
Ms. Jana, I like the way you think! We should invade & conquer Canada and then sell it off, bit by bit, to our creditors. That will buy us some time!
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