Sunday, February 25, 2007

In my Version, King Kong lives to a ripe old age.

And he and Frankenstein are great pals and play in the same poker game every other Friday night.

(Which brings up the issue of Dracula... If Dracula bites two people tonight, and it takes a week for each one to become a fully functioning vampire, and then they each bite two people, who each bite two people, while Dracula and the first two new vampires are also biting two people... See where this is going? In 10 weeks the original first two have multiplied to 1,049,576. And the two pairs that are a week behind have laid out another possible 1,049,576. In another 10 weeks the first pair has increased to a whopping 1,073,741,824. There aren't enough humans, really, for this to go on. So logic dictates that it doesn't... Vampires, as they are known to us in literature, cannot logically exist. And if you don't like my conclusion, bite me...)

But back to King Kong. Why was he killed? Heck if I know... I've never seen either movie. Did he get too big for his britches? (bitches?) Was it 'cuz he got a little out of control and squished a few humans? I suspect it's something like that. But how about this: he couldn't buy votes. Think about it...

And he didn't have his own theme song, or line of hip-hop apparel. King Kong was born before Madison Ave. could put him to use.

I like to think that if he showed up today, he would have been a star. His agents would right now be putting out that he, too, might be the father of Anna Nicole's baby girl. K. Kong, as he would be known (K.K. would be totally verboten!) would be living large in Southern California, would have a foundation to help less fortunate primates, and be protected by a the cutest bunch of albino midget body guards you ever did see.

We've got to stop the killing!

9 comments:

Nessa said...

First of all, let's clear up the vampire thing: a vampire makes a vampire by transfering his own blood to his victim, not simply by biting him and vampires are very chosey about the company they keep.

Secondly, K. Kong died because of jealousy. The girl wanted him and the other guy couldn't take it, so he did K. Kong in.

You don't have to watch movies to know these very important facts.

Bert Bananas said...

Vampires are very choosey... Well, how was I to know? I thought of them more as a contagion...

Just because K. Kong was the victim of jealousy in those movies doesn't mean he has to be a victim of jealousy in MY movie! This is a new century and he would be guaranteed his civil rights, dog gone it!

Nessa said...

ok

Anonymous said...

Bert, I think the ACLU and PETA would agree with you.

paperback reader said...

I think the death had something to do with the fact that he was rather prone to smashing things, which is a wholly unnatural state when one has been kidnapped, dragged in front of yammering New Yorkers and paraded around for another's grotesque profit, and when one's unit is four times the size of one's girlfriend. He needs better impulse control.

As for vampires, having viewed both "Blacula" and "Scream, Blacula, Scream," I would say this: they don't bite a whole lot of people. They are prone to being trapped for hundreds of years or killed. One victim can feed them for that whole week, I think. But it does seem like it wouldn't take much for the whole thing to get out of hand. Plus, who wants to listen to people for eternity?

Waltzing Matilda said...

I remember watching King Kong with a very pregnant Bubba, who looked up and asked so sweet and innocently, "How does he get back to his island?" When we told her he doesn't get back to the island, she burst into tears.

You read The Historian and didn't know vampires were choosy! Geeze! Not much retention there....

Bert Bananas said...

Mel, heck, I figured The Historian was fiction and in real life vampires were as silly as the rest of us humans...

Waltzing Matilda said...

Actually, she was pretty dead on with her research into Vlad the Impaler.

PS Vampires don't exist.

Bert Bananas said...

Thank you, again, for helping me grasp reality.