GPS technology is fascinating stuff. The signal that beams up to the triangulating satellites can carry a lot of information. Most people know that the signal carries I.D. information for the GPS unit, needed so that the reverse-stream information, telling you what street you're on and when to turn left. But it can carry up just about any other data that's reducible to 1s and 0s. Like when installed in government vehicles, it can give you gas consumption data, engine maintenance data and tell you how fast you're going, along with where it is you're going so fast. This has lead to government personnel losing their jobs because the data that was being monitored allowed supervisors to discover and prove misfeasance and down-right malfeasance. Like leaving the city yard after lunch and driving like a bat out of hell to a casino in Atlantic City, instead of into downtown Bayonne to inspect electrical wiring at construction sites. And then putting in for overtime because you were on a roll at the craps table...
The news is full of how GPS devices are improving the efficiency and economy of government vehicle usage. There really is a Big Brother, and he really would like to watch you.
Now comes news of Genital GPS. Yep. Distrustful spouses can wire up their partners with a lockable GPS belt that has sensing monitors on straps that criss-cross critical crotchital hoo-ha's, sending back data regarding blood flow, heat, moisture and muscular spasming.
So it is now official: Nothing is sacred.
P.S.: strip clubs in the South are offering ice packs to their customers who request them.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
At Various & Sundry Stores Near You!!
The photo that goes with this 'toy' at Costco shows a 6 year old female Caucasian astride the beast. She appears to be happy.
The photo that goes with this 'toy' at Le Sexxxe Boutique is totally different. Totally, totally different. But happiness is a shared theme.
As you sit and fret about what the economy has in store for you this X-Mess, take heart that there are people out there who are going to buy this for a loved daughter or granddaughter, or for their own personal enjoyment.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Martha Stewart as a Young Field Hockey Player
I think she looks good with black hair.
This photo taken was during Martha's rebel years as an undergraduate at Barnard College. She and two friends formed a club named "Bernie" and all the members called themselves, and each other, "Bernie." This secret society is still an essential part of Ms. Stewart's life and to this day she attends infrequent meetings wearing a black wig.
If you ever find yourself in an elevator with her, get close to her good ear, the right one, and whisper, "Bernie!" and watch her jump!!
Sunday, November 04, 2007
America the Iconic
I spent two years in Mexico in the 60s. Six months of it was in Mexico City. If you're in the know, you don't call Mexico City Mexico City, you call it D.F. That's pronounced Deh Eff-eh, three syllables... Now you can impress the next Mexican you meet.
The other 18 months were in small cities: Cuautla, Morelos - Lagos de Moreno, Guanajuato - Leon, Guanajuato - Guanajuato, Guanajuato (home of Las Momias!) - Silao, Guanajuato. Wow, I hadn't realized that so much of my Mission was spent in Guanajuato!
So here's where this all fits in to the here and now... while noodling around on Google, I found a fairly decent photo of my first car:
Yeah, that's right, eat your hearts out, a 1956 Studebaker Skyhawk. This car looms large in the mythology that is the story of my life, as seen on Starz...
Which got me thinking about how Americans are big on icons, on objects that we possessed or worked with that we feel helped define us or make us what we were or are. Well, at least men are this way. But I have to suppose that women have some fondness for the memory of their first Wonder Bra.
Poor people in the interior of Mexico, in the 60's, didn't have much in the way of consumer icons. So, I asked myself, what did they do about icons? But then I remembered all the religious iconography running rampant in Mexico, at least back then. Were religious icons their personal icons? Who needs a car or an iPhone or some other accoutrement of consumerism when you have the Virgin Mary or a Saint around your neck?
I think I've answered my own questions. Humans can be very iconic, we enjoy possessing totems, props, supports and charms; find me a person who doesn't and I'll show you a newborn. It's money and/or position that dictate our selections in this regard. Some of my current defining icons are, in no particular order of importance:
1 my crotchless golf hat
2 my laptop
3 my condom carrier
4 my wind powered roller blades
5 my wind powered dark brown underwear
6 the sun
7 a Dr. Pepper can I watched Bishop Fulton J. Sheen drink from
8 my Blackberry
9 a Y-chromosome I got on Ebay reported to belong to Ghensis Khan
What are some of your icons?
The other 18 months were in small cities: Cuautla, Morelos - Lagos de Moreno, Guanajuato - Leon, Guanajuato - Guanajuato, Guanajuato (home of Las Momias!) - Silao, Guanajuato. Wow, I hadn't realized that so much of my Mission was spent in Guanajuato!
So here's where this all fits in to the here and now... while noodling around on Google, I found a fairly decent photo of my first car:
Yeah, that's right, eat your hearts out, a 1956 Studebaker Skyhawk. This car looms large in the mythology that is the story of my life, as seen on Starz...
Which got me thinking about how Americans are big on icons, on objects that we possessed or worked with that we feel helped define us or make us what we were or are. Well, at least men are this way. But I have to suppose that women have some fondness for the memory of their first Wonder Bra.
Poor people in the interior of Mexico, in the 60's, didn't have much in the way of consumer icons. So, I asked myself, what did they do about icons? But then I remembered all the religious iconography running rampant in Mexico, at least back then. Were religious icons their personal icons? Who needs a car or an iPhone or some other accoutrement of consumerism when you have the Virgin Mary or a Saint around your neck?
I think I've answered my own questions. Humans can be very iconic, we enjoy possessing totems, props, supports and charms; find me a person who doesn't and I'll show you a newborn. It's money and/or position that dictate our selections in this regard. Some of my current defining icons are, in no particular order of importance:
1 my crotchless golf hat
2 my laptop
3 my condom carrier
4 my wind powered roller blades
5 my wind powered dark brown underwear
6 the sun
7 a Dr. Pepper can I watched Bishop Fulton J. Sheen drink from
8 my Blackberry
9 a Y-chromosome I got on Ebay reported to belong to Ghensis Khan
What are some of your icons?
I Sh*t You Not... I may be in trouble!
The first part of the above title was borrowed from Robert Wuhl, and his Assume the Position shows on HBO; really good stuff... The second part is business as usual.
I jokingly (really!) referred to the 2nd Coming an hour or so ago in a post. Then I wondered what people are saying about it seriously. And even for me, who resists being shocked like a well ground lightening rod, I was staggered by what Google revealed to me. There is a person of a religious persuasion who has some very definite 'knowledge' about the soon -to-arrive Messiah. Here's a quote:
"From now until the latter part of 2008, many prophecies are going to begin to be fulfilled, especially the Seven Thunders of the Book of Revelation, which the apostle John saw but was restricted from recording. Those thunders are revealed in this book, as well as detailed accounts of the final three and one-half years of man's self-rule on earth, which are recorded in the account of the Seventh Seal of Revelation.
Some of these prophecies concern the demise of the United States over the next year, which will be followed by man's final world war. This last war will be the result of clashing religions and the governments they sway. Billions will die! This time will far exceed even the very worst times in all human history.
As these events unfold, the world will increasingly become aware of the authenticity of the words in this book and realize that Ronald Weinland has been sent by God as His end-time prophet.
This book is primarily directed to the people of the three major religions of the world (Islam, Judaism and Christianity), whose roots are in the God of Abraham. Ronald Weinland has been sent to all three."
So there ya go. Ronald Weinland, profit(sic) of God. You have to ask yourself, "What does Ron know that I don't know." I have a question: Ron says that the coming times will '...exceed even the very worst time in all human history." Is Ron referring to the Carter Presidency? If not, how would he know when the 'very worst time in all human history was"? Isn't that a very subjective observation?
Anyway, if Ron is correct, I'll see you all in hell.
I jokingly (really!) referred to the 2nd Coming an hour or so ago in a post. Then I wondered what people are saying about it seriously. And even for me, who resists being shocked like a well ground lightening rod, I was staggered by what Google revealed to me. There is a person of a religious persuasion who has some very definite 'knowledge' about the soon -to-arrive Messiah. Here's a quote:
"From now until the latter part of 2008, many prophecies are going to begin to be fulfilled, especially the Seven Thunders of the Book of Revelation, which the apostle John saw but was restricted from recording. Those thunders are revealed in this book, as well as detailed accounts of the final three and one-half years of man's self-rule on earth, which are recorded in the account of the Seventh Seal of Revelation.
Some of these prophecies concern the demise of the United States over the next year, which will be followed by man's final world war. This last war will be the result of clashing religions and the governments they sway. Billions will die! This time will far exceed even the very worst times in all human history.
As these events unfold, the world will increasingly become aware of the authenticity of the words in this book and realize that Ronald Weinland has been sent by God as His end-time prophet.
This book is primarily directed to the people of the three major religions of the world (Islam, Judaism and Christianity), whose roots are in the God of Abraham. Ronald Weinland has been sent to all three."
So there ya go. Ronald Weinland, profit(sic) of God. You have to ask yourself, "What does Ron know that I don't know." I have a question: Ron says that the coming times will '...exceed even the very worst time in all human history." Is Ron referring to the Carter Presidency? If not, how would he know when the 'very worst time in all human history was"? Isn't that a very subjective observation?
Anyway, if Ron is correct, I'll see you all in hell.
The 2nd Coming of the Messiah
Christians, a radical sect originating from suspicious origins around three hundred years after the departure from Earth of their Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth and Points East, believe that Jesus will be returning.
The Bible, a tract cobbled together during that same third century post-Jesus of N&PE, is clear on the point that "no man knows the hour of My coming...," but is not clear, much less hinting at, the issue of WHERE He will be 'returning.' Logically there was probably an assumption that He'd be returning from whence He'd departed, the now aptly named Holyland. (isn't it saying something that you've a better chance being Saved at Graceland than in the Holyland?)
There is now significant interest in getting Him to schedule that 2nd Coming for America. The Mormons say He'll be returning to Zion. Zion Prime is in Missouri. Zion Practical is Salt Lake City. The Mormons are nothing if not ego-centric.
Suppose Jesus of N&PE does show up in Salt Lake City at the end of January, 2008? On a Thursday? Sure, there will be any number of people who will want to hear His message. But I foresee that there will be a significant number of people who will not want their evening's favorite TV shows preempted. Many of us don't think Jesus of N&PE has anything to add to the information already being promulgated in His name.
Only two things will pique my interest: Will He strike dead the people I think could use a tiny bit of being struck dead? And will He teach us to turn salt water into gasoline, or provide some other method of transportation that is both free and still requires that we all purchase auto insurance. Oh, yeah... Will the paparazzi stalk Him? Will there be a TMZ.com and a National Inquirer, both ready to buy and publish photos of Jesus without His underwear on?
Not many people take the time to think about what life on Earth, much less life in America, will be like after a 2nd Coming. Are you seeing the potential for a new show on the WB? You'll never see Jesus, but the premise of the show is that He's back and He's cleaning house, and it turns out that speed limits are not in God's plans. The run of the show would be the 1000 years He is set to reign here.
That's right, a thousand years of being good. No sin, no abuse of drugs. No sex outside of marriage, every boy an Eagle Scout, every girl majoring in Child Development & Family Relations. Nothing but pure, clean Happiness. No gambling, nothing of a prurient nature, no crime, no competition, no illness or injury beyond the recuperative powers of prayer and the laying on of hands, no advertising of product and services you don't really need and no television programming not approved by the only channel transmitting, JBS.
Oh yeah!
The Bible, a tract cobbled together during that same third century post-Jesus of N&PE, is clear on the point that "no man knows the hour of My coming...," but is not clear, much less hinting at, the issue of WHERE He will be 'returning.' Logically there was probably an assumption that He'd be returning from whence He'd departed, the now aptly named Holyland. (isn't it saying something that you've a better chance being Saved at Graceland than in the Holyland?)
There is now significant interest in getting Him to schedule that 2nd Coming for America. The Mormons say He'll be returning to Zion. Zion Prime is in Missouri. Zion Practical is Salt Lake City. The Mormons are nothing if not ego-centric.
Suppose Jesus of N&PE does show up in Salt Lake City at the end of January, 2008? On a Thursday? Sure, there will be any number of people who will want to hear His message. But I foresee that there will be a significant number of people who will not want their evening's favorite TV shows preempted. Many of us don't think Jesus of N&PE has anything to add to the information already being promulgated in His name.
Only two things will pique my interest: Will He strike dead the people I think could use a tiny bit of being struck dead? And will He teach us to turn salt water into gasoline, or provide some other method of transportation that is both free and still requires that we all purchase auto insurance. Oh, yeah... Will the paparazzi stalk Him? Will there be a TMZ.com and a National Inquirer, both ready to buy and publish photos of Jesus without His underwear on?
Not many people take the time to think about what life on Earth, much less life in America, will be like after a 2nd Coming. Are you seeing the potential for a new show on the WB? You'll never see Jesus, but the premise of the show is that He's back and He's cleaning house, and it turns out that speed limits are not in God's plans. The run of the show would be the 1000 years He is set to reign here.
That's right, a thousand years of being good. No sin, no abuse of drugs. No sex outside of marriage, every boy an Eagle Scout, every girl majoring in Child Development & Family Relations. Nothing but pure, clean Happiness. No gambling, nothing of a prurient nature, no crime, no competition, no illness or injury beyond the recuperative powers of prayer and the laying on of hands, no advertising of product and services you don't really need and no television programming not approved by the only channel transmitting, JBS.
Oh yeah!
Tinkle Bomb
My life's work has finally been revealed!
Oh sure, I'm proud of my curb-painting legacy. It's been a worthy effort for a life yoked to the harness of capitalism. But I always thought something was missing. And now I've found it.
Just like the hula hoop, the slinky and the Frisbee, I've come up with a product that will enter the national consciousness and will eventually be my epitaph, if not my epigram or epithet.
America, I give you Bert Bananas' Tinkle Bomb!!!
So simple in concept, so rich in potential.
Tinkle Bomb is a colorless, odorless liquid. Like Coca-Cola and KFC, the ingredients must remain secret. The effect of this liquid, when poured into a toilet bowel, is to create a liquid which when uric acid is added, produces a voluminous quantity of billowing gray smoke whose only effect is, in women to create a nymphomanic euphoria, and in men to create the need to chop wood, literally, not figuratively.
There won't be a college dorm that won't, on probably a daily, find bottles and bottles of Tinkle Bomb in the trash can just outside the women's bathroom. Oh those wacky kids!
No, I don't need investors or distributors. Maybe some product testers and some product testimonials... Let's keep in touch on this.
Oh sure, I'm proud of my curb-painting legacy. It's been a worthy effort for a life yoked to the harness of capitalism. But I always thought something was missing. And now I've found it.
Just like the hula hoop, the slinky and the Frisbee, I've come up with a product that will enter the national consciousness and will eventually be my epitaph, if not my epigram or epithet.
America, I give you Bert Bananas' Tinkle Bomb!!!
So simple in concept, so rich in potential.
Tinkle Bomb is a colorless, odorless liquid. Like Coca-Cola and KFC, the ingredients must remain secret. The effect of this liquid, when poured into a toilet bowel, is to create a liquid which when uric acid is added, produces a voluminous quantity of billowing gray smoke whose only effect is, in women to create a nymphomanic euphoria, and in men to create the need to chop wood, literally, not figuratively.
There won't be a college dorm that won't, on probably a daily, find bottles and bottles of Tinkle Bomb in the trash can just outside the women's bathroom. Oh those wacky kids!
No, I don't need investors or distributors. Maybe some product testers and some product testimonials... Let's keep in touch on this.
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